Miss Penny Lane

maybe it was a sign...

2012-01-21T12:21:00.002-05:00

...of what a dumb-ass kris humphries is when, at a party he promised not to host at their apartment, he said "who wants to drink out of mason's baby cup?"

so, it's a sign of what a dumb-ass his soon-to-be ex-wife is, too, that she would marry such a neanderthal. he looks cromagnon, but he acts neanderthal.

that's all for now.

it's time to say goodbye

2011-12-27T17:50:00.002-05:00

this saddens me to the core. these jeans have a good history with me, and i with them. yet i think it's time to say goodbye. the hole in the knee is totally across and huge. holes in the knee will forever be a problem--i teach preschool and i'm on my hands and knees and rolling around and sitting with my legs crossed *indian style, etc... plus, now with the baby. i'm really not supposed to wear them to work, but they fit so nicely into my boots, which i wear all winter. is there some way to fix them? i don't care of it looks quirky, but there's gotta be some way to save them. a patch would be too little at this point. i guess i could wear them over tights, but i'm already pushing maximum density in these jeans--i can't possibly fit tights under there. or could i...? i don't even have tights. i need tights. i need to get tights from heather @ the LittleMissMatched store at union station.

* we say "crisscross applesauce" in preschools these days, but i grew up calling it "indian style." i understand the need for change; however, "crisscross applesauce" bugs the shit out of me. now you know something (else) about me you never needed to know...

2011-12-17T19:17:00.008-05:00

watching a show about commercials is super difficult...i find it really hard to focus because i feel like the show i'm watching is always on a commercial break, and that's when i start blogging...

i'm missing "the funniest commercials of the year" as we (i) speak (type).

check this out for starters:

should i even post this??

2011-12-16T20:02:00.001-05:00

The guy who won Jeopardy! tonight had been trying to get on the show for 16 years--since he was a teen. He kicked ass. Now that's inspiring.

Oh my gods...I am such a nerd!

just give me one more inch

2011-11-05T09:16:00.005-04:00

i mean, really! this doesn't look right, especially on you. one more inch would have made all the difference (that's what she said).

in love with eldery twins

2011-10-17T20:57:00.012-04:00

OK, so, i pretty much have a crush on Edith and Ellen. you know, the 77 year old twins from the Walgreens commercial. yeah, i want to be pals with them. or adopt them as my grandmothers, since all of mine are gone. as it turns out, their real names are frances and iris, but i'm still hands-down all-in. check this out.

i'm sorry, but in the commercial, don't they appear to both be skinny-minnie? but here we see that "ellen" (iris) is a bit chubbier. they didn't mention that in the commercial! i mean, edith/frances coulda said "i was married first, i had kids first, i got this haircut first, and YOU'RE FAT!" that's what i woulda said if she were my sister, anyway. of course, frances/edith could be suffering from anorexia...? and since they're twins, ellen/iris would also have to have an eating disorder; however, hers is clearly not anorexia...

well, regardless of the name frances, these gals just have to be jewish. and they shoulda been used as one of the couples in When Harry Met Sally, except they're not a couple in that way...

right before...

2011-08-10T12:49:00.007-04:00

when taking these photos between 8:15 and 8:30pm on june 14, i had no idea that i would be counting time between contractions by 10. i wasn't "due" for 12 days, whatever that means. i mean, i was "to term," but not "due" for two more weeks. explain that to me. anyway, i wanted the baby early, like the 23rd, so i was not expecting to go into labor for at least a week. so when we realized what was happening, i kinda freaked out. well, i mean, i had to stop myself from hyperventilating and i did get really choked up when we decided to go to the hospital. i guess because i knew that when i came back, everything would be different.

hell, you know what? i was probably in early labor in these pictures. i mean, i tried to take a bath, and i was SO uncomfortable--i couldn't sit down in the tub. i'm sure i was in very early labor. but....The Voice started at 9:00, and i think adam levine just pushed me over the edge. whew. whoa. breathe. anyway, here are the last photos of me pregnant.

and did i mention...?

2011-06-06T15:05:00.003-04:00

...that we're moving right now? well, not officially right now b/c there are no boxes and there's been no packing, nor has a new place been secured, but we have agreed to be out of this house by july 1. baby due june 27. out of house by july 1. today is june 6. nothing packed or otherwise showing any signs of moving. with me so far?

well, i have been successful at burying my head in the sand up until this point. but we're now at a point where....let's see, shall we? as of today, the baby is to term. that means the baby can come at any minute, s/he's just stewing around in there at this point. so, i'm at a point where there's no longer enough sand to cover my head & i have to face up to the fact that i don't know where i'll be living after the baby is born. and that, well, kinda scares the shit out of me. that's normal, right? being totally okay with it, as i've seemed, not-so-normal. right?

so, here's the thing. have i been strong this whole time? or just in denial? or just really good at the head-in-sand thing? because i think i've been ridiculously calm the past few months under the circumstances. all the red tape and bureaucratic bullshit i had to endure just to get insurance; the lack of heat for most of the winter; the less-than-posh circumstances under which i've received health care; the ups-and-downs of the cars; the lack of incoming funds; blah blah blah blah blah.... i'm going to be surprised if the baby is born without an ulcer. (i'm sorry, baby. times are super duper tough. but you know what, nugget? i love ya. your dad loves ya. and your daddy & i are very very much in love.)

yeah, i think i just made an aside to the baby. uh-oh. it's all happening. sooner than later. much sooner...?

but we told the wicked witch of northwest that we'd be out by july 1. and, really, who wants to stay in a place when you're not wanted, even when said witch has no legal leg to stand on?

pregnant girl pees herself...

2011-05-20T17:20:00.008-04:00

update at bottom (5/26/11)

recently my hairdryer has come in more handy than ever. oh, but not for drying my hair--i don't blow my hair dry. i'm not even sure why i have a hairdryer; i'm forty years old: if i don't know how to straighten or "do" my hair in any fashion at this point in the game, there's not much chance i ever will. but, for whatever reason, there's been a hairdryer following me from residence to residence and sitting patiently under many-a-sink for many years. and now i know why! and i'm going to tell you why! because when i'm walking out the door and suddenly sneeze, i just might (maybe) have to use the blow dryer to dry my damn pants. clean underwear i have--check. but this pair of pants has to walk out the door with me now, and i'm already late. in comes the blower of the dry, taker of the wet, and voila! good to go.

UPDATE: let me make this clear here. i never full-on peed myself. well, that's not entirely true. i had a stomach virus and, when i was puking my guts out, i had no choice other than to totally piss myself...oh, and it was as though i hadn't peed in days. unfortunately, no matter how many Kegel's i did during my pregnancy, or my whole life, any control i had over my bladder vanished when vomiting became violent.

but most times, as the above, we're just talking about a little pish. it's not like i need a diaper. or that this has ever really happened outside of the house...well, not to any extent that wasn't manageable--like a little pish that didn't even really permeate my underroos. i mean, it's not like anyone could have ever been able to tell that i may have had a moment of weakness when i last coughed.

lonely

2011-04-28T17:11:00.004-04:00

pregnancy can certainly be a solitary time. i've found that a girl can get pretty lonely at the time when she's technically NOT alone for even a split second. what's that all about? is it that no one can really share in my experience? even those that have had babies themselves? each experience is so individual, and almost impossible to share. maybe it would be easier if i had pregnant friends, but who else is 40 and on their first kid? most of my pals are either not having kids, or have kids who are already in their teens. it was impossible to bond with anyone at the breastfeeding center. we were all jammed into a corner space, plus every other woman seemed so young and, well, not my type. ah, sigh. i need to find friends with babies the age of my baby, right? what if i don't want new friends?? :)

one born every minute

2011-04-23T11:43:00.006-04:00

i never really finished a single thought in my previous post about this show. so here's something maybe a little more coherent.

One Born Every Minute takes place in the labor & delivery department at Riverside Methodist Hospital in Columbus, Ohio! you with me here? not only was my baby sister born in that hospital when i was almost 11, but i spent my first 18 years seeing that hospital from the highway at least a few times a week back & forth to temple/hebrew school/sunday school/psychiatrist... in recent years my father's cancer was cured (in part) at that hospital, so i felt very connected to this show from the first of it i heard. oh, that, and i'm knocked up, so i figured i should watch a show about women going through labor & delivery.

48 cameras (i could be making up that number) have been embedded in the labor & delivery unit at this hospital, and they film 24/7. each hour-long episode follows 3 or 4 birth stories from check-in to check-out--labor & delivery. as you'll see from the previous post (when i got distracted from my whole point by a teen mother), they've covered everything from surrogate mother giving birth (to twins) and giving them away to the new parents; to a lesbian couple, one is carrying twins, but they're not from the same donor & one donor is white and one donor is black and they have one black baby and one white baby; to a couple of sportscasters just having a baby, but driving each other nutso; to a lady with the most HILARIOUS breathing sounds--i almost had to mute the tele--she took herself SO seriously, and the nurses were bustin' on her.

it's a great show. that being said, i feel like this has been my education. columbus, ohioans giving birth--what better preparation for labor & delivery could i ask for? and it's free! i'm ready to go.

oh! and the show is narrated by jamie lee curtis! LOVE!

i mean, really?

2011-04-23T11:26:00.005-04:00

i'm sorry. i just can't get past the fact that everything upon which this song is based is a big fat GRAMMATICAL ERROR. i mean, really? NO ONE pointed that out to the band? surely the band was aware and just decided that they didn't care that their otherwise enjoyable song was being tainted. how am i meant to listen to this song and take it seriously when all i can think of is "me & you, dumbass!!" thanks to my mother for this, by the way.

oh, and just in case you don't know the trick to knowing whether or not to use "you & i" or "me & you," i'll let you in on the secret: remove "you" from the sentence. is it still a proper sentence? in this case it would be "ballad of i." you wouldn't say that. you'd say "ballad of me." well, hopefully, you wouldn't say either, but that's beside the point. hopefully you're smart enough to figure out another example for yourself.

damn tourists

2011-04-21T17:27:00.007-04:00

look at the pretty ducks who hang out at National Geographic:

now look at the stupid tourist boy (& mother, not pictured) who can't read the 20 signs saying to STAY TEN FEET AWAY so that the mother duck doesn't get freaked and abandon her babes. i wish i'd pushed him in the pool, but then he'd be even closer to the ducks. don't worry, i made sure that when my friend came along, i said loudly enough for the mother to hear: "why is it that no one is paying attention to the signs?"

unfortunately, it wasn't just tourists today who really pissed me off downtown. what's wrong with these next two photos? take a look and then i'll tell you.

the guy in photo above is a member of the staff at H&M. and look at the dept we're in. CHILDREN. maybe that's beside the point. but, how....just. hmm, i mean, how is that even comfortable? doesn't he always feel like he's one second from losing his pants altogether? and, just...why? if he's going to do that, can't he at least wear underoos with some characters or something? superman? aqua man? this dude's underwear ain't even cute. i'm really sorry that he has no ass, but there are solutions.

alls i gotta say about the photo above is that i am 7 months pregnant and i was standing. and, clearly, not standing too far away from the dude. i really didn't want the seat--i wanted the offer, and i'm sure some other people would have, as well. i sent this to seathogs.com. HA!

latest fun finding....

2011-04-06T17:21:00.003-04:00

i now have thunder-thighs.

i truly believe that i could have started a fire yesterday when i boldly stepped out in shorts. short-shorts, yes, but shorts that i can still wear under my belly, just no longer around...my...thighs... i thought i'd been good about keeping active and all that jazz so i wouldn't gain in completely irrelevant-to-pregnancy areas, like arms and upper, inner thighs, but surprise! it's gross. and painful. and just horribly uncomfortable to walk around. i know that longer shorts could be the easy-fix, but it's not like i have dollars laying around for maternity shorts. well, i could find extra money if i could find the right shorts. oh boy. the clothes are just...let's just say that options are few. and for a smaller/shorter pregnant person...well. and not all pregnant women wanna wear khaki safari shorts or denim 5" short. if you've been paying attention, you know that my thighs aren't diggin' that exposure right now.

i have had luck at a maternity consignment store (brilliant), but not with pants. tops are easy. but then again, this is the story of the life of a shorty, knocked up or not--tops are easy.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

2011-04-05T16:18:00.004-04:00

I've been saying this quote for 24 yrs. and now the time is upon me when it's no longer "someday."

am i a horrible mother because...

2011-04-02T14:17:00.007-04:00

...i have to look at an iPhone app to be sure i answer correctly when asked "how many weeks are you?"?

...i tried as i could, and had some early success, but i just have to have my coffee? ...every morning? just like before?

...i just spent an hour dancing to music that i wouldn't necessarily want my baby to hear? to flash forward a few months in my life, but with music that's probably offensively worse, CLICK BELOW.

...

one born every minute

2011-03-11T17:00:00.005-05:00

(started 2/15. edited/posted 3/12)

i feel obligated to watch the show, but really wish they would omit the teenage element; MTV has cornered that market, and i just doesn't have the patience for "kids these days" having babies when the most important thing to them is constant texting while the frigging doctor is talking to her about what's going on in her vagina. barf. she's barely 17 yrs old, same with the father. they were dating 4 months before she got knocked up. reckless. simply reckless.
==============

okay, now i feel like the cynical bitch that i am because, well, the 17 year old girl's story ended up being really nice. i'm glad they showed her story (foot in mouth) because she has a very supportive and realistic family around her. the teen's mom said "just because you're not 18 doesn't mean you can't be a great mom." and that's very true--IF and IF you have the support of your immediate family, which she did. to a degree i've never heard of. i mean, not creepy, like the kid is being raised as the mom's sister.

ew! i JUST remembered. there were absolutely no to-term pregnancies at my high school. i'm sure there were lots of pregnancies no one heard of (or some of us did), but nothing to term during the four years before me when my brothers were there or during the four years i was there. until....until i was a senior. then there were TWO pregnancies! one of a freshman girl, one of a junior. FRESHMAN! and her family decided she'd have the baby and that the grandmother (the teen's mom) would raise the baby as her own kid, and maybe they'll the kid the truth later. wow. that sounds healthy... and also like a plan that wouldn't work so well since even i knew about it, and i hardly knew the chick. there were 2,000 kids in my high school. rumors linger... it's been 20+ years now...wonder how they're doing?

anyway, back to this show...when i have more energy to keep talking.

sugar

2011-03-09T18:29:00.007-05:00

if ya know me, ya know i lumme my sugar. especially in the form of seasonal candy. right now is an unusually long stretch between valentine's day and easter, so the stores have been stocked with jelly beans for almost a month already, with 6 WEEKS still to go until easter! jackpot. we all shoulda invested in Peeps or something this year. anyway, back to me. so, jelly beans are my thing. they're the perfect texture, you're supposed to chew 'em (unlike hard candies, which are not meant to be chewed, but i can't help myself...), and the flavor options are endless (especially if you're at a Jelly Belly vendor). i love Jelly Bellys, but i love straight up, CVS-brand, Easter-style, pectin Jelly Beans. they're available all year long now--the standard jelly bean. but then. oh then....

before the sun can even rise on february 15th, the shelves are suddenly stripped of conversation hearts and any sign of cupid, and are swiftly filled with the most colorful bags upon bags of seasonal-only jelly beans. get this: starburst jelly beans! yeah! and jolly rancher. no joke!! and lifesavers!! oh, and smuckers (but they're hard to find). there are others that are all worth trying, but my hands-down favorite is: SweetTTarts jelly beans. i've been known to eat an entire bag. by myself. in an embarrassingly small period of time...like, sigh...i had to hold myself back so i'd have some for the movie the other night b/c i ate so many of them during the damn previews alone. and this was right after a huge meal. it's a problem. a huge problem. always has been, but now it is worse. and the suffering is prolonged because of this crazy 2 month span between valentine's day and easter.

this problem might not be a joke, though, because i clearly eat a ridiculous amount of sugar, but i have an otherwise really healthy diet. so....today i had a doctor's appt. they had me drink some red stuff, wait around for an hour, and then took my blood to check for gestational diabetes. well, CRAP! a girl's gotta have her sugar. but now they're gonna think i'm trying to kill my baby--it's blood probably runs thick with sugar. then again, it's heart beat is damn strong. SUGAR!

help me stop. easter come soon!!!! then i go back to Good n Plenty, and that's better. or, at least, the boxes are smaller....

i'll let you know if the doctor comes back and tells me i'm giving birth to a jelly bean--a black licorice jelly bean. (i might have some 'splainin' ta do....)

oh, and by the way...

2011-03-06T14:21:00.004-05:00

that "eating for two" thing is crap. i'm really only supposed to add 300 calories per day (that's like a PowerBar). the good thing is that alcohol + mixers was probably 1,000 calories per day of my prepregnancy diet, so i've actually got a lot more than 300 to play with just to maintain my weight...but i'm trying to do it healthfully.

so, forgo the tagalongs (sigh) and go for the very scrump-diddly-umptious more natural snack? guess what i ended up doing? well, either way, i added some cottage cheese to the mix, and mmmmm, mmmmm....
(see-through shirt, anyone? check out those knockers!)

one of my all-time favorites

2011-02-23T18:12:00.000-05:00

This is your new thing now
Naked as a rose
Everything exposed
But not quite
This is your new thing now
Cards out on the table
A genius with no label
But not quite, not quite

God, I swear it's good to be back home
Waiting for the newest Rolling Stone
All the other girls are still at war
The best and worst of 1994
Sometimes I see the half and not the whole
Sometimes I see the face and not the soul
Sometimes I think this place has no part
For anyone who ever had a heart

This is your new thing now
And it looks so good in print
Just a poet and her pimps
But not quite
This is your new thing now
A prom dress and a sneer
The woman of the year
But not quite, not quite

Gee, it's good to see a dream come true
People smile and bless all over you
Mixing up those latest junkie-isms
With all the pretty terms of religion
And don't you love the leader of the band
Equal parts Butthead and Peter Pan
All the other kids are sad again
A legend's not a legend 'til it ends

This is your new thing now
And it makes the whole world spin
It's as least as old as sin
But not quite
This is your new thing now
And now you're turning grinning
But maybe no one's listening
And you might lose it all my darling, yes you might

This is your new thing now
And it feels so good to doubt you
I could almost live without you
But not quite

why i hate baby jessica

2011-02-21T15:04:00.005-05:00

today is one of those days when gluing thy tushie to the couch would be perfectly acceptable, even by the standards of certain mothers who view that as a depressing and shameful way to spend a day. let's see: federal holiday? check! raining? check! cold? check, check! empty house/ultimate remote control? oh, baby, CHECK! add to this the fact that i am so tired right now and would kill for a nap, and where & with whom better than Oscar the Couch and Stevie the TV? but, of course, there is NOTHING.ON.TV. nothing. it's the baby jessica syndrome. or law. damn her, that baby jessica.

october 14th, 1987. i was a depressed, 16 year old, missing my camp friends and anxiously awaiting our winter break reunion in toronto. it was a gloomy ohio wednesday, and i was solidly settled into Day One of my planned sick-action. it was a pivotal time for Bo & Hope's story line on Days of Our Lives, and i just could.not.miss.it. by that time, my house was empty during the day, with parents at work and siblings at either preschool or college (yeah, i know). some quick background is that i was pretty much forbidden to watch TV growing up. i mean, The Cosby Show here, and a Sunday morning there (pre-cable when there's nothing on beside televangelism anyway). so here i am with the house to myself and the TV! wee hee! i have no idea how i got to know the whole bo & hope thing, but the point is.....there, right then in the middle of something really good going on between Bo & Hope, "we interrupt your program with this breaking news...." and that was it. it was either watch the whole baby jessica thing unfold on TV for FIFTY EIGHT HOURS, or spend those hours in my room gluing more GQ covers to my bedroom wall.

so, screw you, baby jessica. you messed up what could have been...could have been, well, could have been a couple hours of TV that i felt were so important that it was necessary for me to pretend to be sick and stay home from school. so, there....

and, today is one of those days. i'm planted nicely on the couch on the perfect day to do so, so psyched about catching up on whatever daytime TV i never see, and all damn day long, dontcha know, interruptions about egypt. we have 24 HOUR NEWS STATIONS now people. gimme back my ellen, and do it NOW.

Yeah, but...

2011-02-16T15:36:00.002-05:00

more things i can blame on pregnancy, but we all know i woulda done anyway...and sober

2011-02-13T17:04:00.004-05:00

4) my inability to figure out this damn puzzle. well, just look at it and tell me how the hell the pieces are all supposed to go? things like this drive me b-a-n-a-n-a-s. and i certainly don't have the patience to deal with that now, for the gods' sake.

5) kicking over my tea cup moments after warning kurt not to do the same.

6) forget that i'm cutting out hearts in the middle of...ahem, cutting out hearts.

registry headache

2011-02-06T13:03:00.006-05:00

i just find it really annoying that the entire infant/baby clothing retail market is divided into boys and girls, with very little regard for those of us who actually want to wait to find out the sex of the baby, but still need stuff to dress the thing in before we can manage to have a post-baby baby shower. i mean, come on people, 30 years ago, did people just buy whatever color they thought would match the baby-to-be? no, of course not, they chose gender-neutral clothing. WHY is that so hard to find at Buy Buy Baby? anything green or yellow is, for some reason, among the organics. i'm gonna love my baby, but we are not going organic on clothing that will only be on the child for hours at a time--that organic shizz is 'spensive! so my baby will be in classic white pretty much across the board. hell, i'd rather have 6 onesies in classic Carter's white than one adorable monkey-covered organic piece in a lovely neutral brown and green pattern. this kid has enough time left in life to be a fashion guru.

wedding registries? oh my god, how much fun are those to create? after the first 5 minutes of "this feels weird to tell people what to buy me," i was off and adding wonderful kitchen accessories and silverware, and furnishings.... wedding registries truly are nothing but a wish list of some necessary, but mostly extraneous, home-use items. bride & groom have thus far lived without those items--they'll be fine without the latest Crate & Barrel stemware.

on the other hand, this baby registry ain't.no.joke. especially for certain down-on-their-financial-luck parents-to-be. without this huge list of items, this baby will not make it past the hospital doors. ok, drama is ensuing. but seriously, it's again a very weird feeling to be choosing the things you want people to buy for you(r baby), but it's much weirder to actually need almost every little thing on this list.

have we counted yet today the many ways in which i am stressed? i always wanted to be pregnant. woot! but i wanted & expected to enjoy a stress-free and happy pregnancy. i'm having a hard time living in the moment when i can just start to see the lights of the train coming into the station...

things i can blame on pregnancy, but we all know i woulda done anyway...and sober

2011-01-29T14:37:00.006-05:00

1) putting shower gel in my hair and shampoo on my washcloth

2) totally forgetting i had something on the stove or in the oven, even though i might be sitting right next to the kitchen (and then not learning my lesson by remembering to always use my iPhone timer so as not to scorch innocent grapefruits).

3) having no idea whether or not i took my meds when i got up this morning...even though that was only 15 minutes ago (does my mouth taste like milk or not? should i count the pills in the bottle? what day did i get them? how many pills are in the bottle? what's that divided by 3 per day? WHAT YEAR IS IT??? AHHHHHHHHHH!)...

Don't Name Your Daughter Patience, and other things I've learned from reality TV

2011-01-13T14:50:00.006-05:00

Ok, my obsession-of-the-moment is Super Nanny. I love her. Jo something. Anyway, seeing her on The Talk today made me realize that I shoulda been watching her ever since I started teaching preschool, if not before. This woman is brilliant. You know when everything someone is saying makes so much sense that you feel kinda stupid for not thinking of it first? That's her. And she doesn't even try to Americanize her speech--she says "cross" instead of "mad." The most important thing I learned from her today was this:

Don't Name Your Daughter Patience: You'd think it was a no-brainer, but it's really not (apparently). That's like naming your kid Mick Jagger and being pissed off when he just wants to collect tolls on the Jersey Turnpike. Think about how much pressure is on you from DAY ONE if the first and most frequent word you hear is "Patience." It's enough to make me crazy just thinking about it. Now you think about it--gets under your skin pretty quickly, doesn't it? What happens the first time the girl hears and understands that word as a command to be...patient. That's gotta mess you up a little. And I bet you she thinks twice before losing her....patience. "Patience, Patience!" Shoot me now.

(More lessons from Reality TV will appear just once in a very blue moon...)

best lyrics of all time, no specific order

2011-01-02T14:41:00.001-05:00

“We got married in a fever, hotter than a pepper sprout"

to be continued....forever....

shuffled thoughts on random

2011-01-02T14:02:00.012-05:00

[please forgive the hideous font issues you'll experience while reading this post. i just couldn't find the energy to fight any longer with The Code with an Evil Mind of Its Own.]

Is it normal that I got sad because Shazam didn’t recognize an old song that I love? It was “Losing You” by The Ugly Americans. I really used to love them. LOVE. I guess I still do, specifically their album Stereophonic Spanish Fly. It’s one of those albums that you can listen to from start to finish all.the.time. No need to select your “favorite” from the tracks, because they’re all kinda your favorites, and they all just go together as if written as an opera. And if you hear one track randomly, say on the radio, you automatically FEEL the next song on the album coming, and have a heart dropping moment when you realize it’s not coming. Other albums like that for me are….hmmmm….

Glass Houses, Billy Joel

Rumours, Fleetwood Mac (which could be a “greatest hits” album all on its own)

45s & Under, Squeeze

Tapestry, Carole King

Passion, Peter Gabriel

Synchronicity, The Police

Most Led Zeppelin albums

Moondance, Van Morrison (a masterpiece of an album)

Look Sharp!, Joe Jackson

Songs in the Key of Life, Stevie Wonder

I realized just now that a lot of the albums for which that to me is true are greatest hits albums. I guess that makes sense—ya listen to those albums start to finish much more than other albums from that artist, I imagine. (Does that statement fall under the category “needless to say….”? Yes. Yes, it does.) Anyway, some of the greatest Greatest Hits:

Simon & Garfunkle

Steve Miller Band

Journey

Eagles

Bad Company

Santana

I could go on for days, I’m sure.

Come to think of it, I rarely EVER listen to albums anymore. I really prefer putting on my itunes and shuffling ALL songs. I know lots of people like Pandora, but I wanna hear MY music collection. There’s a reason I have these albums, and have uploaded them to my library, so I only do shuffle when I’m listening on my own. I feel like I’d never hear songs like Lenny Kravitz’ “Black Velveteen” if I didn’t shuffle. Or G.O.D. from Fastball. Or Beck’s “hotwax”? Or Sharon Jones? Or Cake. And Duke Ellington, Sheryl Crow, U2, Count Basie, etc. Or “Pallin with Al,” Squirrel Nut Zippers. I mean, come on! Great song—Pandora would never have played that, but I hear it because, regardless of how random, I once loved that song and would want to hear it again.

So, wondering, are there fewer albums that are start-to-finish great these days? Or do I just not listen to albums start-to-finish at all ever anymore? It’s kind of a single-driven industry now, isn’t it? All the albums I listed above are from the times before CDs and shuffle. What about some newer albums?

Back in Black, Amy Winehouse

Alright, Still, Lily Allen

New Magnetic Wonder, The Apples in Stereo

Necktie Second, Pete Droge (very early years of CDs, but still was shuffle-able)

The Reality Bites soundtrack—indeed.

Why sometimes is shuffle not very random at all? Ever notice that? I’m not talking about the times that songs come on that are TOO perfect for what you’re feeling/going through/what-have-you at the moment. That’s just creepy… and maybe it’ll be a discussion some other time. Remind me if I forget. Anyway, random isn’t so random. I really don’t give my songs ratings, so I’m not sure why the iTunes gravitates toward some artists or albums. Like it’ll be a totally different day/session on the computer, and I’ll hit “shuffle all songs” or whatever on my iTunes, and he’ll (yes, iTunes is a guy, or perhaps a bunch of guys) will play certain songs much more often than others. Or will keep going back to the soundtrack from Great Expectations (excellent album). Riddle me that. Then again, my shuffle just went from “Mercy” by Duffy to “Four Seasons” by Vivaldi. So what do I know?

Back to The Ugly Americans. I discovered them in 1996 when I went to a Big Head Todd & the Monsters concert at a small Georgetown University chapel-venue with Robin & Ross (and possibly this guy I was dating. Wonder what ever happened to him? Too tall for me, anyway). The Ugly Americans opened for BHT and, actually, kicked their asses in my opinion. The lead singer, Bob Schneider…..oh my. Grrrrrr. Check him out – maybe I’ll find a picture and post it here (brilliant). The band was out of Austin, Texas (coolest town ever). Side note: Bob dated Sandy Bullock right after she ended romantic things with Matthew McCougna-yumm, which was after I was already obsessed with Bob, so them there’s my degrees of separation. Mmmhmm. Well, now we know she never shoulda let that go. Anyway, The Ugly Americans broke up a while ago, but Bob has a career as a solo artist, and even had a song in the Maryland Lottery commercial last summer. Check it out, I love it.

Oh, Shazam didn’t recognize “Northern Bound Train” by Pete Droge. Really? REALLY? That makes me sad. SoundHound didn’t, either. What does it all mean???? Tell me, HBW—what does it all mean???

Baby File #1

2010-12-31T11:42:00.006-05:00

So I’m gonna need big-girl panties soon. Right? Or can I wear the same undies and my belly will just sit on top? Oy. I don’t like the feeling of not having a flat stomach for the sheer reason that I can’t have my belly flopping over my underoos. Will my belly just kinda be suspended there? And not just blob around like the average 39 year old’s flabby belly? Maybe the plus side of getting knocked up as an old lady is that it will stretch OUT my pudgie-belly as part of the baby growing process. So for at least 6 more months, I won't have a pudgie pouch. One can hope!

The truth about being pregnant when you have no money and no health insurance, and your partner loses his main source of income? Wow….it’s a lot going on for anyone. The cable is out, so is the internet, our car was booted and towed (with in a matter of hours) for tickets I thought were already paid. And if one of them was the ticket I got that the church (preschool) was supposed to pay, I’m going to be super pissed. I mean, either PAY it, or tell me you’re not going to pay it, so I can! It’s that simple. It’s not like the DC govt sends out late-ticket notices anymore, so how the hell do I know I still have a ticket? So, this is gonna be fun to investigate. Once I get my internet back up. It’s just a LOT going on.

And I’m not trying to have a pity party. I’ve done that already. No one would join me, but I had some very good supporters who let me go to the party by myself, picked me up when it was over, and humbly allowed me to explain to them (so I thought) that, although justified by my terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day, I deserved to go to the party for a little while, but should’ve called them to pick me up before it got too crazy. Live & learn. Thanks, Kurt & Iwonka. You’re priceless, the two of youz.

Glass Half Full (of milk) Moment: My skin looks better than it has since I was a kid. At least on my face. Everywhere else, I’m still getting old. Oh, crap. Now I have to say something else positive….um.... (crickets chirping). I got nothing.

Until next time,

MPL

message to angela in holland....

2010-11-23T17:11:00.001-05:00

what can i tell ya? i'm 12 weeks, due early june. i am almost 100% sure when this happened, but because I NEVER HAVE A PERIOD (!!!!!) the dr won't say my due date for sure until next week's appt. lemme tell you, i'm pretty sure we conceived sept 11. that makes me due june 3 or 4.

i started to wonder if this could really be possible when my boobs hurt for over 3 weeks. on a whim, i took the test. twice. and here we are! SURPRISE!!!

this part is really fucking annoying, because SOME people know i'm preggers, but for those who don't, i just look FAT or like i spent my measly preschool salary reversing my breast reduction! i can't wait to look pregnant!! when does that happen?!

the really fun fun part of this delightful surprise is that the mother carrying the fetus has no health insurance. yep. i have CATASTROPHIC coverage only. nothing else. i'm thinking my friends at Discovery should do a reality show based on my life in 10 years going from a relatively wealthy, unhappily married woman who couldn't have kids, to a 39 year old who has never been happier in her life, had totally written off ever having children of her own, and has no money or health insurance when she discovers she's pregnant. let's call it "oh, penny lane...."

:) we're super excited, and counting on everything going well!!!! not prepared for anything else.... happy thoughts!!!!

xo

mpl

ISO the perfect winter hat [never-to-be-finished draft]

2009-12-05T17:36:00.005-05:00

the theme for my preschoolers this week was HATS! (only so much that 2 yr olds can talk about hats, but whatever.) i mention this now because i had already written most of the next paragraph before realizing that i must have hats on the brain thanks to my little yippers. that made me smile. imagine that--thinking about my job made me smile! back to the post already in progress...

why is it so hard to find the perfect winter hat for my head/hair combination? the hat that i rock best is the cadet-style hat, a head-topper that reminds most of humankind of some pretty unsavory characters, as it was unfortunately popularized by fidel castro and then several hollywood tramps. then again, that style might be cute, but it isn't exactly the warmest thing in the world.

who has got a hat for this girl? my head & ears are cold!

things i'm loving/thinking about right now....

2009-11-02T12:52:00.003-05:00

These are not in any particular order...unless stated otherwise. or unless i change my mind.

#1*:

* sidebar: this point actually has a very valid argument for being named the true #1--that is, taking advantage of the aforementioned "unless stated otherwise"—as without this, there’d be no other points being made at this time.

so! the most important thing i'm loving right now is… drumroll, puh-leeze:

............

dun dun duhhhhh!

#1) having a mouse and a keyboard attached to my laptop, without which (as stated above) this message would not be possible. in case you hadn't heard, there is a malfunction with several crucial characters on the laptop keyboard. Those permanently effected are the all important o, l, ., and down arrow keys. this is on a good day. try applying for jobs when, after successfully copying and pasting individual o’s and l’s into every necessary place in the document, the spacebar decides to stick. Again, this on a good day.

this has been exhausting. #2 later.

really?

2009-08-10T15:35:00.002-04:00

Bob Dylan is planning to release an album of Christmas songs, including "Here Comes Santa Claus," "O Little Town of Bethlehem" and "I'll Be Home for Christmas." (What? No "Jingle Bell Rock?") The album was Dylan's idea; Isis magazine reports the songs were recorded in Jackson Browne's studio in May.

really mr. zimmerman? a CHRISTMAS ALBUM?????

fashion police woman: tourist edition

2009-06-29T23:36:00.007-04:00

i could spend all my time taking pics of and writing posts about the fashion faux pas regularly committed by tourists: the tube socks pulled up to the mid-calf; the huge fanny packs (which seem to be worn in the front, so "fanny pack" is a misnomer); an FBI/CIA/Witness Protection Program sweatshirt; the bright orange DC Ducks day-pass chest stickers long after their tour ended, etc. i have thus far kept my mouth shut, but this was just one i couldn't resist.

on first glance, there's not a lot negative about the image. but on further inspection...wow.

ok, #1: this dude has one hand that's out of commission, but with with his free hand, he's carrying the ginormous, heavy bag that the girlfriend decided needed to be schlepped around town. so, that bothered me. but that's not really a fashion faux pas; that's more of an example of a total bitch being lazy and making her boyfriend look like a wuss. (maybe the weight of the purse was hurting her cankles?)

#2: as i passed by the lovely couple (slow, slow walkers-- another total tourist thing), i noticed that the girl had on pantyhose. i know you can't see 'em, but trust me! oh, and this is the kicker: i never would have noticed that she had on pantyhose if it werent for the run all the way up the side of her left leg. i can't think anything to say after that. sorry...

my excuse for being out of touch...

2009-05-15T02:59:00.003-04:00

i've been MIA b/c i've been helping gary, host of the gary pigg talk show, with his blog. check it out. i'll be back soon, i swear.

xoxox,
MPL

been a long time....

2009-04-21T16:51:00.002-04:00

as usual, i've started a bunch of posts and never finished them. i'm too long-winded (shocker) and they just get away from me. another reason is that i have been helping my gary pigg with his new blog, the gary pigg talk show. check it out!

EXACTLY!!!

2009-02-08T11:03:00.002-05:00

i am so pissed that i didn't write this....

Video Recaps | Full Episodes | Webisodes

Suck it, Beyonce

2009-02-04T23:26:00.004-05:00

Etta James fucking ROCKS. she slammed beyonce for singing HER song at the inauguration; etta even went as far as to say "i can't stand beyonce." woot, there it is!

the diva has spoken

come to think of it, why didn't etta sing the song herself inauguration night?? if she were dead, then bubblebutt could fill in, but what a bitch-slap for etta not to have been asked.

then again, i think i heard etta say something about that not being her president, so maybe she needs a smack in the skull, but i still LOVE what she said about SASHA FIERCE. ah...it's the little things in life.

btw, i wonder what etta was TRULY thinking at the premiere of cadillac records?? ("gimme some of that grey goose and get this bitch off me!"?)

me likey...

2009-01-31T00:57:00.007-05:00

...the state farm commercial with the young girl (maybe 7 yrs) who asks her dad to borrow the car so she can go to the movies with her friends "kathy and dylan..." "yes, dad; dylan." love it!!

unless you're ridiculously clueless, you know within the first 5 seconds of this spot that the well-spoken, cute, young lass we see asking for the car keys is merely representing how her father still sees his now adolescent daughter who (yikes) has her license.

regardless of the cliches and obviousness of the ad, me likey. well done...

still in bed together...

2009-01-28T22:06:00.004-05:00

ah, bravo and nbc, it's the affair to remember. although you make a super-cute couple, and i like that you cover so beautifully for one another (i.e., i can see repeats of NBC shows on Bravo), the cross-marketing is getting ridiculous. and don't even start me on the product placement.

just as reported in summertime lovers, the networks are once again hot and heavy this season. both the biggest loser and top chef had super bowl challenges this week. funny, because the super bowl was no where near happening when these episodes were filmed; top chef-testants are wearing shorts and t's as they run around nyc, so we know it ain't anytime recently. oh....wait a second. hmmmm... the super bowl is on NBC, right? and the super bowl is THIS sunday, right?! aw, how cute is that? nbc and bravo are such a supportive couple!

so, there's THAT -- the blatant plug for the networks' other shows -- but are they for reals with the product placement???? it's enough that they go over the top about the Glad products, and the Kenmore kitchen, and the Quaker oats, and the Domino sugar, etc, but tom callicio can't be proud of the forced use of DIET DR. PEPPER in a challenge. i love me some DDP, but i don't COOK with it. i don't cook with Velveeta or SPAM, either! are they trying to find the next TOP CHEF, or the next racheal ray?? [excuse me while i vomit] or maybe just the next advertiser. sigh.

biggest loser: each week is now TWO hours. not only b/c they can't find a good show to fill the 9 - 10 spot on tuesdays, but b/c they fluff the shows up with so much damn product placement that they need an extra hour! all that time Bob or Jillian spends going over how to make a healthy meal, it is only for the purposes of product placement. they never used to do this and, although the tips are helpful, the networks need not add another 60 minutes-worth of this show. 24 hour fitness; gatorade; glad; jell-o; fiber one; kraft; etc. I GET IT!!!! oh, and the "celebrity chef," curtis stone? i am aware that he has a show on TLC, but the history of this love affair has made me very paranoid about the alterior motives involved here. is curty getting a show on Bravo? or, is bravo owned by TLC/discovery? no.... so, is this an innocent relationship, or is there something sordid going on with mr. stone and nbc/bravo?

i'm shocked that the various versions of real housewives doesn't place products yet. it can be like the truman show. all of a sudden, in the midst of one of their cat fights, one of them can turn her huge plastic head to the camera and hold up a box of Glad products. or her BlackBerry. oooo, or her Valium!! maybe nbc and bravo are having an affair with Roche labs. tsk; nbc and bravo are such swingers, i swear!!

baby food pudding

2009-01-28T18:47:00.009-05:00

i was talking to Sissy #2 about what i made for dinner. my random concoction was so delicious that i just wrote the recipe down lest i forget an important step/component. anyway, the main ingredient is butternut squash.

Sissy said "yum" and i reminded her of how she ate bottles of baby food squash mixed with plain yogurt until she was FIFTEEN! she said "that's so embarrassing," so i said "not really. i remember buying baby food pudding in junior high school." Sissy said "why was that any better than regular pudding?"

i was stumped for a minute. was it price that took me to the baby food aisle? no...hmm. AH! it's just that packaged puddings existed only in powder form when i was in junior high school. there were no unrefrigerated, ready-to-eat, perfect servings in plastic cups hanging from the wall in aisle 5 (maybe that's why we didn't have so many fat kids back then), so buying a jar of baby pudding was the only way to get a quick fix at lunchtime.

oh, unless you ate at the cafeteria and got your pud'n on there, but only nerds ate at school. (regardless, always remember to be nice to your lunch ladies.)

tonight's random thoughts...

2009-01-19T00:54:00.008-05:00

...kurt and i froze our asses off down on the National Mall for today's concert / event: will.i.am (love love love), U2, mary j blige, john legend, queen latifa, springsteen, mellencamp (COUGAR!!!), stevie wonder, james taylor, usher, tom hanks, rosario dawson, george lopez, steve carell, jack black, sheryl crow, pete seger, etc. OH! lest us not forget the fact that biden and obama both spoke. oh god, that was so hot. over the past 19 yrs i've been involved in several events that culminated on the Mall: never have i seen so many people there, let alone in any one place at a time. i will post pics ASAP.

quick shout out to the city for how amazingly organized things were down there, and for everyone's patience in traffic, lines, and set-backs. it was cold as shit, but how amazing to see what we saw!

this just in:
my college roommates/friends and i used to convince one another to skip class so we could hang out/party/watch TV/sleep/gorge on food, whathaveyou... we had a series of questions that we would ask in order to entice one another to stay home. "how many times have you missed [this class]?" "what's your grade so far?" "do you know anyone in the class?" "can s/he give you notes?," etc.

i learned yesterday that i once convinced elaine to stay home from the library (this is pre-internets and pre-PCs in the dorm) by offering to write the paper she had due the next day. i wrote the paper in all of 1/2 hour. a couple days later, elaine's professor called her aside after class to hand her back the paper (complete with an A+), and to wage a full-on campaign to try to get elaine to change her major to English!! based on that paper!! maybe elaine coulda told me this back then so i wouldn't have wasted the past 20 yrs, but i'm just excited to be able to tell my mom that at least SOMEONE got an A+ using my work.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i feel as tho i am part of something BIG!! it started last sunday with fenty and obama bumping chests and patting shoulders outside of ben's chili bowl: that's our PRESIDENT! he's a homeboy! fucking priceless....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

a pink good n plenty, 1/2 of a rolds gold, and a small spiced gum drop (preferably purple/black or white in color) make a surprisingly lovely combination.

see you on the flip side!

tamra from "real housewives: oc" is a huge asshole.

2009-01-13T22:42:00.004-05:00

what kind of person treats another (supposed "friend") the way that tamra just treated gretchen? on top of it, while knowing full-well that her scheme to get gretchen wasted and set her up to fail is being taped for broadcast! on top of THAT, she told the other women that she was getting gretchen wasted on purpose. what kind of women sit around and let that happen? that's just disgusting. absolutely disgusting, a new low in life, not just TV. humanity! what women would do this??

this show was fun in the beginning when there was no pecking order and no introduction of "cast members" just to shake things up. this show went from being a bird's eye view into the excess lifestyles of these mostly hard-working ladies and their strong friendships, to a SHOW about too many rich, tan, drunk, catty, plastic, slutty, bitchy, inappropriately dressed, pre-menopausal douchebags. it's like an old-hag version of "the real world." and not when "the real world" was in nyc (the first time), or even san francisco (RIP to my friend, pedro), but when it became a SHOW. these women are nothing like who they were when Bravo aired a 6 episode mini-series. it seems as though everyone "on the show" forgot that they were dealing with real people. this is not "gilligan's island." i can't image being around people who hated me as much as these women hate one another.

but enough. enough. i swear it; i am done with this show forever. sorry, bravo, but these ladies are an embarrassment to women everywhere.

how the TP rolls....

2008-11-17T00:38:00.005-05:00

i still don't understand how the issue can be viewed in any other way whatsoever, but the fact that i continue to walk into toilets where the paper is facing any other way than as shown above proves that the issue must be addressed.

lately i've had to admit to myself that this has gone from beyond a preference and has moved into a full-blown obsession. with the exception of those really complicated paper-dispensers in huge multi-stall rest rooms, i will change the direction of the paper on the roll in any bathroom if it is facing the wrong way. parents' houses? check! work? check! 2amys bathroom? check! sister's guest bathroom? check!

oh, and while we're on the subject, unless it is in use, the ONLY only way a toilet should be is closed. all.the.way. no view of water. understand? this is not a male/female issue. all lids closed makes it the same effort on everyones part anyway... if for no other than the obvious reasons, your loo will feel so much larger when you're shaving in the mirror, putting on make-up, brushing your teeth, etc. the other reasons aren't necessary to describe in detail. you can imagine for yourself. ew.

and no shag rugs ON your toilet. or wooden toilet seats. i must cut myself off before i need a xanax...

lips done well

2008-11-09T21:29:00.004-05:00

you ever watch cold case? i HATE the theme song, which perfectly emulates the sounds of a dead woman howling along side a pack of dying cats in the Grand Canyon. the so-called "music" doesn't even give me the willies, which i think is its intention...it's just AWKWARD, and very unpleasing to the ear. but i do love the show and wish i remembered to tune in sunday nights on a more regular basis.

anyway, the purpose of this post is not the aforementioned music-driven, mystery drama; rather, its female lead: Kathryn Morris.

ms morris has evidently gotten her lips injected, and, well...they look GREAT. actually, it appears as though work may have only been done on her bottom lip, but what do i know? the results of whatever procedure(s) she had are flattering, sexy, and not overdone at all. the pale beauty is far less obvi than meg ryan, and eons away from the all-time natural fish-lips, angelina --vomit-- jolie. ms. morris had some embellishments, but she didn't take it out of the realm of reality. well done, girl.. too bad joan rivers didn't take your lead....

Scary Movies Part 2

2008-10-31T19:51:00.003-04:00

the yr was 1982. i was 11. i made my dad take me to see Poltergeist. i never liked clowns then. i sure as hell don't now. or leafless trees outside my bedroom window, for that matter.

i still love saying "mommy, where are you, mommy? i can't see you mommy!" into a box fan--that never got old at summer camp. "stay away from the light, carole ann!"

the little woman, tangina; omg! she was so creepy. "It lies to her. It tells her things only a child can understand. It's been using her to restrain the others. To her, it simply is another child. To us, it is The Beast." why did she always remind me of my grandma martha? not the height, but definitely the hair...and accent.

happy halloween!

2008-10-31T03:51:00.003-04:00

until i can spend more time on a proper halloween post, complete w/ old costume photos--if i can find more than 2--here's one of MPL's haunting memories:

1978: dad took me to see halloween in theater. why? because i asked him to. why? because the poster for it was a jack-o-lantern, so i assumed it was a movie about the great pumpkin or something of the like. at least there was a sexual overture... while searching for original HALLOWEEN movie posters, i came across absolutely nothing--NOTHING--that backs up my story. i guess i wanted to see the film b/c i loved fear. the sensation of fear is very interesting. more on that later. in the meantime, here are the 3 main posters for Halloween. which of these convinced my dad that it was an appropriate flick for a 7 1/2 yr old??? :)

sweet sorrow...

2008-10-29T02:05:00.005-04:00

...i have a few posts in the works, but all require major (may-jah!) editing; i will not have time to do so for at least the next few days, so this short-nothing serves as just a shameless chance to show a pic of miss katie dog, and to ask that you please check back toward week's end for some new material.

until then, please be well, be kind to one another, and make an effort to do more than just tolerate those with beliefs different from yours. embrace acceptance, people...for reals, yo. btw, to those who care, i still rock all those underroos, and miss y'all like crazy.

here's the sweetest puppy ever...

omg, seriously?!

2008-10-25T17:02:00.001-04:00

i can think of nothing more to say on the subject, so there it is.

a ridiculously RUDE and, well, pretty stupid looking new trend...

2008-10-22T18:31:00.009-04:00

unless you are david beckham, you can not get away with wearing your damn Bluetooth anywhere except in your car or at your desk, when you truly might need your hands to be free while you talk so you can drive or type. sitting at the table with your family at a restaurant--no. walking down the street--no. riding the metro when you don't even have verizon (the only one that works on metro)--no. it's just like me strapping my damn cell phone to my ear in anticipation of a call. it's ridiculous and SO stupid looking. and rude. and obnoxious. and makes it look like a gigantic water bug is nesting on the side of your head. is this where society is going? b/c if so, i am going to start carrying rubberbands around with me so that everytime i see some douchnozzle with a Bluetooth on, i'm going to bunjeecord my phone to my ear...looks pretty cool, eh? NO--it looks ridiculous, and completely unattractive...just like those who sport a hands-free devise outside of the car or office. believe me, i'm HOT...so this is proof positive of how mental one looks with a Bluetooth. ;)

A Story from the Vaults

2008-10-21T12:04:00.004-04:00

Originally posted December 2005

Funny...

Each of us who has Sitemeter is guilty of using its various features to check out who visits our blogs; we have the potential to pinpoint a reader's location down to their lat/long, for Pete's sake! (By the way, who the hell is Pete?) The only details I find really interesting, though, are those that give me an idea of what it was that actually brought someone to my blog. For example: Referring URL and Visit Entry Page. Most of the time it was a link from someone else's blog, or a direct hit from a friend/regular reader (when I had regular readers). My favorite is when someone is directed to me via Google.

So, anyway, tonight I saw that someone discovered MPL by Googling Penny Lane stripper.

Dirty Birdy suggested I Google Penny Lane stripper myself. Right on.

A link to me was 3rd. Third. Of about 146,000 results, I was 3rd.

10/21/08:
so, you know the expression "you never know who's watching"? well, i do, and have been wondering why some people from a certain server have been checking on a daily basis, and during times that couldn't be considered "lunch." what are you looking for? huh? huh? do tell... :)

lessons on poor leadership

2008-10-14T18:33:00.006-04:00

(AKA: taylor, it's not only your grammar that sucks...)

i am really looking forward to watching the finale of rachel zoe (on DVR after my celebration, of course) b/c i am so hopeful that rachel will open her eyes to what a total asshole taylor has been to brad, which is a HUGE detriment to the success of Rachel's business. if taylor had TRAINED brad and was a true mentor, had defined expectations and goals for him, taught him what he needed to know to not only help grow the company but to give him a sense of accomplishment, brad would be a huge ASSET to the business. due to taylor's (and ultimately rachel's) lack of leadership, they are throwing away a talented person who cares about the success of rachel zoe's business. taylor had it in for brad from minute 1, not even DAY one.

oh, and taylor: "IT'S BRAD OR I" is such an annoying abuse of grammar that i LOVELOVELOVE!!! that Bravo used it over and over and over again in the previews for tonight's show.

taylor has a chance to get me on her good side if she comes around tonight, but this girl ain't holding her breath! there's a way to do things that make everyone relatively happy, and a way to be a total, miserable person. you should go with door #1.

btw, what is taylor's photo shoot all about??? for reals....someone is using her as the face of their marketing campaign?? maybe she's modeling as the cracked-out "before" model in an anti-drug campaign. or modeling for american apparel. either way makes sense...

p.s. i'll post some pics to go along once i figure out why my wireless mouse isn't working. i don't understand laptops....

props to a legend who is already missed

2008-09-27T11:39:00.004-04:00

a fond farewell to a good jewish boy from cleveland...

paul newman, you are an icon. there is nothing i can say about you and your legacy that hasn't already been said during your lifetime and since your recent death. search the papers for all the good stuff--i can't possibly contribute more. i just want to (almost) silently honor you...

2008-09-17T21:09:00.004-04:00

suede, please!! if one chooses to refer to refer to oneself in the 3rd person, as suede seems to love to do, one must be consistent! you can't say "suede thinks that he...blah blah blah, but i think that...and i'm gonna..." this only works if you're sybil. and i hope you're not MPD, suede. your work does not look like someone who has multiple personalities, at least until before tonight's ep, so cut. it. out. now. you may not need to cut it out, as tonight's design may get you cut. i mean, i love it, i would wear it (perhaps as separates), but i am an old gal--this chick just egressed teenage wasteland. i don't think it works at all for a photog -- they need to be discreet/invisible and comfortable. it's either suede or jim...i just hope neither one is on my effing team....

jack was my cat...

2008-09-15T20:51:00.003-04:00

....now he's kurty's dad's cat. but jack lives a great life with jerry and ro in leisure world, where every young cat should live. he hides under the bed from me...sigh. :(

must read...

2008-09-13T11:04:00.009-04:00

not that i have a huge readership, and considering most of my readers are already voting for obama, but i feel as though i must pass it along...i tried copying and pasting, but the tables made it difficult, so you're just gonna have to follow the link and read this letter abou Palin from a resident of her home town...

http://www.andrys.com/palin-kilkenny.html

new SAT word of the day...

2008-09-11T21:17:00.003-04:00

"you are so out there on this precipice"

tim gunn, project runway 09/10/08

reasons kurt is impressed with MPL, volume i: the loo

2008-09-11T19:16:00.003-04:00

she decorates, she organizes, and she even uses tools!

not only does that old vegetable basket keep our towels organized (thanks anthro!), but the door to the loo can still open very wide! i coulda put that anthro-bought piece to work in le jardien or above the loo, as recommended by a couple o' people, but i hung a picture above the loo instead, as that is a nicer thing to see when reaching the top of the stairs and looking at the loo. :)

oh, the top part is being used for the large towels...it just took me a bit to figure out how to fold them so as to fit properly...

stay tuned for volume ii -- the closet!!

FASHION POLICE....the ugliest thing i've seen in a long time

2008-09-11T14:29:00.008-04:00

leave it to american apparel to put this outfit together. where do i even begin? with the awful prints, or the hideous fit of the pants? it looks like she couldn't decide between going to the beach in her swim suit or hitting Gold's Gym circa 1990 in those pants. then again, everytime i diss a new trend, i end up loving it...OK, not everytime; although i did give in to the skinny jeans fad, i have never owned a pair of fUggs and i never will.

omg, i have tons of FASHION POLICEWOMAN stuff to post once i get my life settled again... between the work trips, the big move, and the loss o' my grandma, i haven't had a normal week in months! keep posted for some great (tragic) photos to come soon.

xoxox,

MPL

P.S. i can't believe it has been SEVEN YEARS since 9/11. It still feels fresh... My thoughts are with all the friends and families of lost loved ones.

look at my grandma honey... so beautiful!

2008-09-08T20:24:00.006-04:00

updated 9/10/08 with proper donation info... xoxox, mpl...
Molly Schulman Wolff
MOLLY SCHULMAN WOLFF, beloved wife of the late Herbert Schulman and Edward Wolff; devoted mother of Lee and Kim Schulman, Cathy and Larry Goldberg and step-mother of Phillip Wolff (Charlene); cherished grandmother of Stephen [sic] and Evelyn Schulman, Paula Schulman, Hillary and Stephen Zashin, Jordan and Jennifer Goldberg, Tristin Goldberg and step-grandmother of Jonathan Nanberg (Heather), Joshua Nanberg (Jennifer) and Catherine Wolff; loving great grandmother of Benjamin, Eli, Lena, Nicholas, Mason, Dylan, Grey, Stone, Jackson, River and Leighton. Services will be held at Park Synagogue East, 27500 Shaker Blvd., Pepper Pike, Tuesday, September 9 at 11:00 AM. Interment Mayfield Cemetery. Family will receive friends at the Goldberg residence, 18500 North Park Blvd., Shaker Hts. TUESDAY and 2-5 and 7-9 P.M. WEDNESDAY. Contributions are suggested in the memory of Molly Schulman Wolff C/O The Bertram Woods Shaker Hts. Library, 20600 Fayette Rd., Shaker Hts., OH 44122. Arrangements by BERKOWITZ-KUMIN-BOOKATZ MEMORIAL CHAPEL.

2008-09-08T20:18:00.001-04:00

There'll be dancing in heaven
On the night before the longest day
A celebration in rhythm
At this time it was always this way

Sing out for the one light,
Reach out to the flame
So fine so fine
That we can make it this way

Sing the song of the ages
Giving voice on this beautiful night
Feed the flame in high places
From the earth to the giver of light

Sing out for the one light
Reach out to the flame
So fine so fine
That we can make it this way

Bringing peace to the valley
Carry fire through the oaks and the grove
Precious memory carry
As we move through the circles and stones

Sing out to the one light
Reach out to the flame
So fine, So fine
That we can make it this way

2008-09-08T20:00:00.001-04:00

What do you see when you are
Inside a star, inside a star
What do you do when you are young
Stare at the sun, stare at the sun
Did you perceive at the time
That you were blind, that you were blind
What do you see when you are
Inside a star, inside a star

Now you lie here with open eyes and
Now you sleep by the phone
Now you lie here with open eyes and
Now you weep on your own
Now you lie here with open eyes
and you know you're not alone

What do you see when you are
Afraid of the dark, afraid of the dark
What did you when you were old
Hide from the cold, hide from the cold
Did you perceive even then
You'd come back again, that you'd come back again
What do you see when you are
Inside a star, inside a star

2008-09-08T15:33:00.000-04:00

And I thank the Lord for the people I have found,
I thank the Lord for the people I have found.

While Mona Lisas and mad hatters,
sons of bankers, sons of lawyers,
turn around and say, "good morning" to the night.
For unless they see the sky, but they can't and that is why,
they know not if it's dark outside or light,
they know not if it's dark outside or light.

pics from nyc

2008-08-22T22:29:00.006-04:00

i don't have time to write the post that should accompany these pics...i'm hoping that the words i've already composed in my head will find their way onto the page sometime next week, after i return from vegas.* then again, i will have to immediately hit the ground moving...lol, so who knows when i'll be back here to bloggity-blog. in the meantime, enjoy my pics from a lovely week of work and play in manhattan.... thanks especially to my pals for hanging out:

kap--i am so happy for you! you glow! thanks also to your lovely man for the pint o' blue moon, and for funding our not-so-popular jukebox selections during the vicious billiards showdown. kurty thanks you for the gift--i can't wait to see him try them out!! and oh, don't forget: it ain't all cupcakes and cartwheels. one more thing: i promise that my koi won't attack you--so come visit!!

wale: what a great apartment!! thanks for the peruvian food and the snuggles on the couch during the olympics. pls thank renee (??) for her plethora of olympic knowledge.

marcy--my dearest... i loved watching you be a mom--you're a natural. seeing you, catching up with robbie, and sushi with miss maki herself was priceless. oh wait--i meant that making jonah smile was priceless--that's all i ever wanted. :)

lou lou -- thanks for all your help and for being such a great sport about the quick trip...

sorry to those i missed seeing this time around, but how can MPL possibly work 9-6 each day and manage to see each of her nyc loves?? not possible. new yorkers seem to always understand.... i will plan to see all of you next time around (january??).

* i probably coulda written that original post in the time it took me to compose the above. ah, schulie....it seems that you can never be short-winded, eh? :)

2008-08-13T21:23:00.001-04:00

p'runway commercial break commentary...

"yo, terri! your ghetto is showing!!" i don't know what the hell she was thinkin' with this unnecessary verbage: "I don't know what [suede]'s packing, balls or vajayjay, but he better figure it out." honestly, i was borderline offended. she was not trying to be funny, she was being bitchy, and her choice of words made her appear undignified and homophobic! i read today a synopsis/review of the episode that predicted terri will be remembered for her one-liners. puh--leeze!! you may catch me saying "fierce" or "i'm not your bitch, bitch" (top chef), but terri's inappropriate and meaningless comment is not a catch-phrase that is likely to pass anyone's lips. i mean, c'mon--when would one use that sentence?? while gay bashing?? terri initially struck me as dignified and classy with an urban edge, but after she basically insulted several groups of people, i realized that when terri's at home what she's packing is a gun in the front of her jeans and a red bandana over her braids. shiiiiiiiiiit....

korto -- love -- she has the best ass on tv. holla at THAT!

you must watch bio channel's ep about the making of animal house. phe-fucking-nominal.

btw, my womb aches as i watch shear genius. do any of those girls need a home?? omg, i would totally adopt a 5 yr old now. like right now. and is this rene guy for reals? why why why haven't i been watching this show??? why????? it is a fag hag's wet dream, yo!!!

i run around the apt during breaks trying to get shtuff done, yet in anticipation of the show's return, i end up watching most of the commercials. then i end up missing most of the actual show b/c i start running around the apt again once it starts. i just gots so much to do... new word of the day: baliage -- hand painted highlights, per crazy punk guy.

best line during shear genius: she's closer to jesus now than i think she's ever been -- in reference to one contestant's mom's cut being right back to texas 80's.

buh-bye for now...

*happiness is...

2008-08-13T20:51:00.004-04:00

...finding forgotten kapow eggplant with fresh thai basil from sunday night in the back of the fridge. ah, yes. and it couldn't have happened on a more perfect evening, as cooking in my kitchen right now would be impossible. the kitchen is a totalwreck due to our impending MOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i am super-psyched. movin' on out and movin' on up. i will be so glad to be rid of douchebag. uch, have i got stories. i'll wait until after he is out of my life to publicly air my grievances, but do be sure to come back and check for those b/c they are fantastic. i couldn't have come up with these tales on my own, and i am a pretty talented creative writer, ifimaysaysomyself.

*sadness is....forgetting that the kapow eggplant with fresh thai basil from sunday night has been on the stove the entire time i've been typing away here. one less pan to move to the new house...oops.

shit! totally forgot to change my fafarazzi roster for p'runway. i just can't get used to klumi being on at 9. thank gods they didn't chuck a week in lieu of the olympics (see prior post).

song of the day: gone by madonna. it was just blaring from my iHome, and i am not sure i've ever really listened to it....not at all to imply that i was actually listening to the words--i can only do so many things at once, and i was typing, thinking, creating, and watching the TV on mute while the 'pod was blarin'. (al gore hates me...) anyway!! i love madge's voice in the song--very strong and upfront, and the melody is solemn yet emotional. interesting... suffice it to say that after p'runway is over i will play it again.

ciao for now....

summertime lovers

2008-08-07T21:25:00.009-04:00

the rumor of an alleged affair can be confirmed as a truth: nbc and bravo have been caught in bed together...and it is very, very hot. in addition to the constant commercials for the opening ceremonies, the plot of every single show on both networks seems to revolve around the olympics (which, of course, air live on nbc).

project runway designers are tasked with creating olympic outfits. his hotness apolo anton oh-no-you-didn't is guest judge and cause for many-a-queen's hard on. did anyone notice that klum's dress during the runway show was tragically similar to the dress the (british? aussie? kiwi??) hostess of last coming standing was wearing? one big diff is that klum's looked hot.

speaking of last comic, on their season finale the remaining contestants are put through a comedy olympics....i still cried at the end. first woman winner--woot!

UPDATE (tues, 8/12):
i totally missed the opening night of the olympics--it was my plan to couch all night with some bambu, but we had a prearranged engagement to meet pals at cashions, which is owned by other pals and is sister-restaurant to johnny's. goat cheese souffle, sweet breads (not for me, though)---yum. photos to come very soon...

old soul cole

2008-08-03T19:57:00.003-04:00

example #1 of how cole is the coolest 9 yr old ever:

i made cole watch andy rooney, the old troll who gives his sage weekly schtik during the last 5 of 60 mins on cbs sundays. i had no idea what subject andy would cynically target this evening, but after watching rooney's piece about traditional foods being "updated" with other flavors (orange cappuccino, vanilla coffee, raspberry oatmeal, ginger cereal, and the like), cole responded "why is that man so ANGRY?! why does he get so upset about food??" ya gotta love the kids' perspective....

by the way, this is how happy we have been since we signed for our new HOUSE!!!

favorite quotes of the week

2008-08-01T11:04:00.004-04:00

LAPD Chief William Bratton on why the city doesn't need paparazzi-limiting laws (which he had wanted to impose earlier this year): "If you notice, since Britney started wearing clothes and behaving; Paris is out of town not bothering anybody anymore, thank god; and evidently, Lindsay Lohan has gone gay, we don't seem to have much of an issue." How long until he gets fired?
~*~*~*~
A woman sitting behind me at yesterday's film (see below) in reference to how crowded the theatre was: "Thanks god today was a cooch-washing day...not every day is a cooch-washing day." For reals, girl?? a) i would never advertise that i didn't clean my peekachoo; b) "cooch" hasn't been used since 1989; and c) ew ew ew ew ew ew ew! I'm scarred for life.
~*~*~*~
Coming from a group of what I thought looked like teenagers on the sidewalks of Georgetown today:

Guy #1 to Guy #2: " Well, your baby mamma ain't all that..."
Girl #1 to Guy #1: "Neither ain't your hoochie baby mamma."
Guy #2: "Which one, yo? [says a few names]"
Girl #2: "If my baby daddy talk smack like that 'bout me, I'z gonna put a cap up in his head. I don't care if he's holdin' his other babies. Damn..."
Guy #1: "'least I can tells my baby mamma's apart."

The rest of the conversation was unintelligible. I swear, I thought these kids were KIDS. Maybe they were. Either way, no female's ass should hang out of their shorts like that unless they're at the beach, even though she had a nice ass...

Carry on...

thank the gods i'm not an american teen...

2008-07-31T22:57:00.010-04:00

after a lovely dinner with lou and hot mama at the razzi (no celeb sightings this time around), lou, kent, and i hit up a free preview of american teen. it's a documentary that has been compared to the breakfast club. see exhibit a:

the movie was really interesting and quite good, but it is NOT the breakfast club (which, by the way, i saw in theatre in 1985 and a subsequent 389 times). although i wouldn't put it past megan to have said "Do you know how popular I am? I am so popular. Everybody loves me so much at this school," there are no great lines like "But face it. You're a neo maxi zoom dweebie," or "So it's sorta social; demented and sad, but social. Right?"

the kid pictured above in bender's (judd nelson's) position is no rebel! actually, mitch is far from it! he's the easily peer pressured pussy who also happens to play basketball. the real rebel is the kick-ass chick, hannah, whom we all cheered for and cried over (ok, prozac prevented that from actually happening, but ya get my point), and not at all like dandruff-shaking recluse allison that ally sheedy played. the kid portrayed above as the jock is far from "andy," who was in saturday detention for taping a geeky kid's butt cheeks together with duct tape; american teen's colin would never do anything like that. jake, the self-loathing "geeky" kid may have been an outcast for a lot of reasons, but unlike the geeky kids in my high school who went on to full academic scholarships at Harvard and are laughing at all those who heckled them in high school as they roll around in their millions of dollars, jake--with his there-they-are/now-they're-gone/there-they-are-again zits--didn't seem academically advanced at all. (although i did like jake and wish him lots of love and sex in his near future.)

the aforementioned megan is just horrible. i resist saying all the things i really want to about her because the movie is a documentary and megan is a real person, but WOW. talk about a completely unsympathetic character! she had no redeeming qualities, and i was actually disappointed at her successes--i so much wanted to see her fail. the WaPo review said that when she receives her college acceptance letters is "one of the movie's most affecting moments...here she moves us -- just when we thought we had her figured." bullshit--i never at any point felt any warmth toward the girl who vandalized another teen's house with the word "FAG," left super mean messages on a "friend's" voicemail after forwarding a topless photo of said "friend" to the whole school, and treated all of her peers/friends like crap, and i especially didn't feel happy for her when she got into notre dame. this girl is the main reason i am so glad that high school is long-ago over and will never have to be repeated. and you know what? megan isn't even hot--hannah is much more attractive in every way, and her story was most satisfying and literally had the audience cheering at the end.

***i really hope that seeing this movie was a real eye-opener for megan, and i kinda like that she is forever immortalized in celluloid as a snotty bitch. it's quite the same way that i love love love that those stupid RV-drivin' racist frat boys in Borat are humiliated for life for being such douche bags.

on another note, cell phones?? i am so so so glad there weren't cell phones around in my high school years. or email for that matter. just when you thought teenagers couldn't get more cruel, along came email and cell phones to more easily spread rumors, continuously gossip, and forward incriminating/awkward/inappropriate photos. i can't believe cell phones are even allowed in schools. the constant text messaging--uch! one chick was even texting while breaking up with jake. cheating freshman whore...

overall, the film was really good--i suggest you see it (waiting for it to be netflixable is acceptable). if you are like me, you will cringe for half of the film while during the other half thanking the gods that high school will never, ever have to happen again...

see ya soon...

weds night in the palisades...

2008-07-23T22:02:00.009-04:00

oh my god, i chose my project runway fafarazzi team totally wrong—i was so good on top chef!! it is early in the season, and i can switch up my team, so who knows…? i mean, i didn’t start strong on top chef, i just happened to kick ass and finish at the top.

i didn’t lose power after all…

wait!! that was way too premature! let me reiterate: i didn’t lose power until 10:15. fare-lee-well to the million bucks. i coulda been a contender…i coulda been a millionaire.

so that’s 2 strikes--project runway and the electricity. what could possibly be worse? never having children?? forgetting how to do the hustle?? (i don't actually know how to do the hustle--sorry, rachel--but maybe this will help...)

so anywayzzzz…bats just flew right by my head. guess it serves me right for standing on the DARK DECK OF DOOM to watch the storm b/w commercial breaks…speaking of:

my dearest shitastic landlo'…

just b/c you have the rugged handsomeness of aaron eckhart doesn’t mean i am blind to your negligence.

i wanted to let you know that several times over the past couple of years i have slipped down or tripped up the back stairs either because the stairs were wet or because it is too dark to see (or both). i was carrying a flashlight and taking careful steps down to the laundry room last night; regardless, i slipped down the steps, hit my head, and bruised my back. this isn't the first time i've been hurt from a fall on those steps, but last night's fall was by far the worst and most frightening. is it possible to install lights in the back stairwell and put some slip-resistant treads on the steps? (the building attached to us has lighting for both the 1st and 2nd level stairwells, so maybe you could see how they did it...?)

oh, and while you're at it--can you PLEASE scale back the giant JUNGLE in our front yard? it not only harbors an entire homeless family and several species of rodents, but the bushes that have been dead for over a year have now turned black and smell like ass. we are an embarrassment to this lovely neighborhood.

thank you!

btw--the guy who lives across the hall has lived there for 30+ years--hasn't he ever cared that he has to risk life and limb to go down to the laundry dungeon??? (i think they filmed SAW down there--it is super creepy.)

xoxox,

MPL

i'll betcha a million dollars...

2008-07-23T20:30:00.004-04:00

...that i lose electricity within the hour. i might even go as far to say 30 mins or less. too bad, really, as i had SO much to blog about...my life is like a sitcom sometimes (often) but without the huge paycheck...

xoxox,

mpl

saturday night on the couch

2008-07-20T00:08:00.009-04:00

my sweetie and i are enjoying the remainder of our date weekend, watching the 4/5/08 episode of SNL. you'd think that we missed seeing it live b/c that was my birthday, but we missed seeing it live b/c we were asleep by 10. :) no worries, the birthday was more-than-adequately celebrated the weekend following. anyway, i hadn't seen this before:

(click on image to reach a page with the video--i have no idea how to snag a video from another site. yes, i know i was a web developer, but that was in years 1995-2002....much has changed.)

i just love kristin wiig. target lady!! "vanilla scented candles!" i practiced non-stop until could emulate that character. i also love penelope, the compulsive liar & one-upper.
wiig's imitation of padma lakshmi from "top chef" is pretty right on, as well; close your eyes and listen for a second before focusing on wiig's mouth. what wiig can't duplicate in skin tone and stunning beauty*, she makes up for in her dead on mannerisms and speech.

anyway, i will soon give an update on my dad (all is well, and thanks so much to everyone for their love and support), and will also present yet ANOTHER example of why i am the luckiest bitch in the world...love you, kurty. thanks for a wonderul weekend (so far)--off to billy-burg in the a.m.!!

xoxox,
MPL

*this is not meant to imply that ms wiig isn't a gorgeous babe in her own right, but no one can argue that padma lakshmi's beauty is incomparable.

love ya, d!!

2008-07-14T17:48:00.009-04:00

i still haven't spoken to my dad, but from what kimmy (his wife of over 20 yrs) tells me, he did everything right and will be OK. i could be wrong on a few details b/c the information i have is gathered via one crackly cell conversation from the hospital waiting room (i assume that, as at tradeshows, to go outside for better cell reception means a very long walk down a very long corridor to wait for an elevator that will take you down 20 flights to the lobby via "the local" to then have to walk 1/2 of a mile to the final egress). my dad is in CCU, so there are no phones and one is not permitted to use cell phones in there b/c of the machines. even though it is I who is dad's pride & joy, of course it was steven who was first to reach dad on his cell at hospital and spoke with my dad for several minutes until nurse mildred ratched came in and put the kibosh on that. ANYWAY, from what i hear, my dad did everything right (i think i may have already said that, so sue me--i'm distracted): my dad felt some symptoms, called an ambulance, and (this is where i am fuzzy) either had the heart attack in the bus (thanks, law & order--bomp bomp) or at hospital after he arrived. apparently he'll be fine, but i won't know that for certain until i actually speak to my dad b/c he doesn't lie to me or hide me from the truth. hell, he wouldn't even shelter me from seeing halloween when i was 7 and poltergeist when i was 8, so he is certainly not concerned about the fear factor...

the thing that i can't wait to find out is HOW exactly this was able to happen at all. last year my dad had prostate cancer. he caught it uber-early on, went through 45 days in a row of radiation monday - friday (he got thanksgiving off--woot!). they actually put little beads inside his pelvis and zapped them every day for 15 mins or some crazy shizz like that. oh, and hospital was a 45 minute drive each way. talk about a friggin' wrench in your day! good thing my dad likes to sing to the oldies on the radio--holla to johnnie mathis, for the love of christ. during his radiation therapy, my dad claims to have never felt overly tired or sore or anything--doctor's said he did great and all has been clear since december. lee schulman is the poster-child for this therapy. (my other dad, rabbi dad, is the poster-child for the surgical therapy with prostate cancer, but that's another story another time.)

so, i'm curious to know--how did this happen? my dad has normal cholesterol, he is slim, he is (like me) a pescetarian who enjoys food but watches his diet, he walks every day, and on top of it, i am SURE my dad has been having regular check-ups since radiation finished, which was only +/-7 months ago. how the hell could he have a heart attack? maybe the self-employed get crap benefits and they didn't monitor that shizz.

by the way, this image was on the T'shirt he wore to the first day of his treatment:

i guess you need some background on my dad, but some other time. quick fix: d is extremely artistic and has a very...um...black and crude sense of humor. to him, there aren't many things or topics that are inappropriate, and he is overtly sexual. a true swingin' singles guy in the 70's--white leather loafers and all, girls. nights at the disco. hot tub parties. playboy clubs. many many stories to come. and ya gotta love him more for each one. i know it is hard to believe, but i have a little (???) of him in me.

my dad wore the same hat to every radiation treatment--it became his signature with the nurses: [please note: b/c BSUR is sold out of this classic item for the moment, i am unable to find a proper image to post below; therefore, i must trust you to please imagine the following artwork on a faded navy cap--the color of which brings out my dad's baby blues. carry on...]
why did he do this? not because my dad especially loves beer; ever since schlitz and PBR have become less available, i think he's more of a wine drinker. no, the reason he donned this cap every day (e-v-e-r-y-d-a-y) is b/c his little cha-cha bear, his chach, his p, his babe, his baby girl, his "yes, sir, that's my baby, no sir i don't mean maybe..." is, well, let's face his, his favorite of all his children. you can have 20 boys (he has 3), but boys have NO hope against the youngest child who happens to also be....a curly headed little girl. suck it. :)

more to follow...on my way out to take a LONG, hard core walk around this fine city with my iPod, my phone, and my smartwater in tow. my dad used to make me run 10Ks with him when i was 8. this is in his honor. i told you there are stories!!! you thought p. schulman had stories--you've heard NOTHIN'....

i can't wait to hear my dad's voice. :)

the addiction remains

2008-07-13T18:50:00.006-04:00

my sister thought she could come over here and spearhead an intervention....it sure didn't take long until her addiction (and performance) put me to shame:
so, kurt says "i'm gonna send this picture to your mom. she'll wanna come over and play."

MPL says "please, kurty, please....the woman isn't even coordinated enough to clap her hands at jazzercise, and she's been at that for 15 years."

p.s. a 60 Minutes piece on david beckham reported by anderson cooper?!?! how could a sunday get any better? it's a good thing kurt isn't home, or he'd be givin' it up as soon as this is over... another addiction clearly remains.

oh snap!!!

2008-07-11T13:38:00.004-04:00

"From a fashion viewpoint, Michelle Obama looks so comfortable and relaxed in her style and her fashion, and she exudes that. She has a presence that gives you confidence in her. Cindy McCain looks like someone has twisted her pony tail into a knot and tried to give her a face lift."
- Project Runway's Tim Gunn tells Time Magazine

Oh, suki-suki! I LOVE IT! By the way, Tim--have you put any thought into that show I want to create with you???

i'm a junkie...

2008-07-10T23:19:00.009-04:00

my right forearm THROBS all freakin' day. my veins pulsate with anticipation. my muscles ache from (and long for) what lies ahead. gotta get my fix...

it's schulman vs. masse in the semi-finals. schulman is suffering a humiliating defeat, the likes of which have not been seen since the violent beatdown she and swenson put on masse & mccormick at the Scene It Winter Tournament of 2005. although schulman came into tonight's event as the favorite to take gold, and her strong performance in the first couple of rounds gave the high-rollers a false sense of security, the outlook no longer looks good for the little red haired girl. "barracuda" will never be the same...

stay tuned....

apro-fucking-pos

2008-07-09T20:17:00.010-04:00

it is my bff rachel's birthday today. there is a prime time episode of TPIR on tv right now. (TPIR = the price is right, you dumb-ass motherfuckers.)

OH OH OH!!! and they're playing the goddamn YODELING game--i cannot believe it. holy christ. TPIR, drew carey, and the yodeling game?? rachel would be off her rocker if she were watching this right now. yes, i said 'off her rocker' because, bitch--we's OLD!! if we was young, i woulda said "rachel's underwears would be soaked if she were watching this right now." that's right, we're are both less than a handful o' yrs away from the big 4-0! but you know what--bring it on. BRING. IT. ON. 'cause if the 30s rock this hard, i can't wait to see my 40s. holla!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HO*!!!!

* ho = rachel Hodesh festenstein. yes, that's her name; no, i'm not kidding; and, yes, "hodesh" is hebrew so it begins with a hard h...

ohmahgad, i just realized--why stop there?! how about some classic pnut & ho moments from 1988-2008?! (twenty years?! i just threw up in my mouth a little...). the people deserve to hear some stories from the old days. ("the people" being rachel's children--as soon as they're old enough to read.) :)

*** stealing condoms every time we went to the kroger in kentwood--for no other reason than we thought it was hilarious. we filled with condoms an entire crystal bowl in your parents' foyer at the new year's party ('ello, 1989! woot!). funniest thing--we were all virgins. (still are...) (that was clear foreshadowing of my career in hiv/aids education, nachon?
***rachel chose me instead of my brother. true story: rachel & TR were high school sweethearts in the classic sense--we all thought they were in for the long haul. they were our jack & diane! she and i met. she and i realized we were going to be in it for the long haul, and he made her choose. MADE HER CHOOSE!! lol. fucking sophie's choice, right? well, ray ray (i'm the ONLY person in the universe allowed to call her that, btw), quite prophetically, chose ME. miss penny lane. pnut. p. schulman. scooter. flyman. sprout. poodle. yes, she chose ME. and i still have her! that's the ultimate revenge on a brother who, along with the 2 other older brothers, tortured me my whole life. ha!

more to come...

what to watch RIGHT NOW!!

2008-07-08T21:21:00.004-04:00

for my millions of loyal fans who check MPL every 15 minutes, i implore you to turn on the USA Network NOW and catch as much as possible of this Warren Beatty AFI Special. this kicks the oscars' ass...

then again, USA will replay this 1,000,000 times, so enjoy your tuesday eve and be sure to catch the program from the quick.

p.s. diane keaton was phenomenal--from head to toe and from her heart; i hope someone has those kinds of things to say about me one day...

another reason i boycott denise richards

2008-07-08T20:23:00.005-04:00

um, yeah...her next episode is all about how she is so so FAT FAT FAT--she must've said it 20x in the 30 second spot i accidentally saw on E! a moment ago. i also learned from that horrid ad that the ep includes her desperate quest to lose "all the weight." oh yeah...you're a real healthy role model for your children, you skinny bitch, let alone the rest of america.

by the way, i will NEVER...NEVER...NEVER watch her show. care to join my boycott??

A New Case for MPL, FPW

2008-05-08T18:24:00.006-04:00

Miss Penny Lane, Fashion PoliceWoman, that is...

So far, this is one of my easiest cases ever--didn't even have to reach for the 'cuffs. Simply put, the guy is handsome, well groomed, and dressed really well--a real silver fox! His wife (see platinum wedding band) is lucky; however, said wife should have told silver fox that there are only 2 or 3 occasions on which you're allowed to wear those pants:

1) the office holiday party
2) a jcrew catalog shoot
3) a wedding in scotland on december 24th

NOT, i repeat, NOT on an 80 degree day in DC.

Case closed!

gold cup fashion

2008-05-05T18:37:00.007-04:00

here are my two favorites from gold cup. i know it is gold cup, but these outfits have WAY too much going on. with a few tweaks, a can of lighter fluid, and a match, these people could have been saved. now i'm not saying my outfit woulda won any prizes, but i'm a catty bitch so sue me. actually, my dream job has always been to be a FPW (fashion police woman); i've spent a LOT of yrs working in different areas of the fashion industry, so it isn't that much of a stretch. i would never be mean, i would only give tips, and i would LOVE it. maybe i can start a new show with tim gunn. MAKE IT WORK!
and a couple of me & my friends (feel free to rip us apart).

vonkie had won the previous bet--i'm trying to steal her winnings from her boob.

it's a freakin' miracle that this is just a reenactment of kris at past gold cups. and he didn't streak or get arrested this year!

my baby-baby, MPL, and our dear friend hoval (his name is daval and he uses a cane; daval + hobble = hoval!)

this week....

2008-05-01T19:33:00.008-04:00

in
~annie leibovitz
~jeopardy (partly to feel smart, but mostly to mock trebek)
~vanity fair (i'm still on the earth issue--it takes a long time to get through those suckers!)
~chuck klosterman (he will always be "in")
~bassett hounds
~big tippers at Johnny's (and the hot bartender who deserves it)
~watching that hot bartender plan our trip to spain
~being #40 on fafarazzi's top chef game! out of 1386--woot. :)

out
~the cyrus camp's denial & the whole controversy in general--enough!
~this cold rainy crappy weather
~putting the word "day" after "set-up" in outlook
~never hearing back from the WMATA (they usually respond with some amusing bullshit)
~the lawsuit with rob lowe and the nannies
~tom cruise on oprah
~those awful barilla pasta commercials
~my nasty feet in desperate need of a pedi
~the angie stone song where she names every black person she can think of. here's my take--put a beat behind it:

shalom out to all my Hebes--all my Jewie Jews out there! my zionist bitches! hail hillel, ya a-e-phi's! holla to the sammies and the japs with the nose jobs! to the MOT, i say "nu, baby! put me in your movie!" my last name be schulie. oy... we have ben gurion and yitzchak rabin, brandeis woulda loved shabbat with amanda peet! bugsy siegel, yo, all the arquettes, mel brooks! ben stiller! woody allen! joe lieberman! hank azaria, golda meir! next year in jerusalem with jon stewart and gene simmons...shalom and out.

hey, the beastie boys are all jewish, so it ain't such a stretch, but my point is that the angie stone song sucks almost as much as my version.

xoxo,MPL

P.S. favorite quote from the office this week:

"stanley is a beautiful sassy powerful black man..."

Runners Up: "sometimes my daughter's stomach hurts when kids are mean to her at school"
"pam has clearly given up trying."
"leave me alone dammit. did i stutter?"

I'm a Glass-Half-Full Kinda Gal....

2008-04-29T23:21:00.008-04:00

Reason #5 for Penny Lane to love her job: Setting the voicemail to "evening" and taking the whole office to stand in a .5 mile line for free cone day. Jerry famously said "If It's Not Fun, Why Do It?' Indeed, Jerry. Indeed. Above is Pnut and the Rebel Mormon Wife.

Oh, and by the way, Mike Symanski is a Jewish Samoan Wrestler...more on that after Gold Cup.

xoxo,
MPL

P.S. have you ever felt like the elephant in the room?

this week....

2008-04-28T18:46:00.013-04:00

bro-in-law and 'vonkie came over last night: guitar hero, bambu, flashdance, and some good drinks; fun times for all!

omg, this mylie cyrus thing is ri-dic-u-lous. i mean, c'mon! it's vanity fair, and it's annie freakin' liebovitz, and miley cyrus is 15, and she's extremely photogenic, etc. seeing as mylie is a minor, i am SURE her parents and/or management had to sign off on whichever photos went to print and, as you can see from exhibit a on the left, this photo was not taken with a child laid out on a bed or naked in any way that you haven't seen her before. she's wearing more than i am now and i just got home from work! (go here, item #1, to see the actual photo that is causing all the fuss.) everyone needs to suck it up and move on, and look at the outfit she wore earlier this month (item #2) at the CMT Music Awards. um, i can't rock that frock, nor could i when i was 15, so hail to mylie--you go, girl. own it! although the photo causing all the controversy is an undeniably beautiful portrait (not the one above, but the one referred to above as item #1), publishing that particular photo right now may not have been the best decision on anyone's part... and the shot/pose may have been manipulated, or the whole thing could be a publicity stunt from either camp--who cares?! LET. IT. GO. the statement mylie made just exacerbated the whole thing and made it 100x worse. you know what? this is a business. that photograph and the 5 million hits VF got before noon today (that, my friends is no hyperbole--that's a fact) did wonders for mylie cyrus and her career. she didn't get caught with an ounce of coke. she wasn't drinking and driving. and so far, no tape of her getting f*&%$# by rick solomon has surfaced on the 'net. today, april 28th, 2008, 89x more people know who miley cyrus is than did yesterday, april 27th, 2008. no joke. the photo above is mylie during the shoot that garnered the controversial shot. personally, i think the one on the right is down right hot, and i want that dress. thanks to vanity fair for letting me blatantly steal their photos.

how i met your mother. watch it. i agree with neal patrick harris 110% (also see here)--how i met your mother doesn't need to resort to stunt-casting for ratings; ding dang, y'all, this show was already great and wasn't hurting in the ratings when brit guest-starred. i sometimes (always) hate when my favorite song becomes everyone's favorite song, but i definitely don't hate it when my favorite show becomes everyone's favorite show. it gives me hope that other people "get it." y'dig? case in point: i feel connected to people who love friends as much as i do. it means we get the same joke. i feel connected to people who love "best in show," "waiting for guffman," and "a mighty wind" as much as i do. it means they get that kind of humor; people who don't get that kind of humor are missing out. i love people with whom i can speak in mostly movie quotes. it means we have the same pop-culture experience--we're of the same cloth. ;) hyperbole, anyone? all i mean is watch how i met your mother; i think you'll like it. try to start from the beginning before ya start watching brand new eps. this goes against everything upon which my PhD is based (my dissertation, "why the first seasons of all long-term sitcoms suck," is oft-quoted in Ivy League courses), but how i met your mother is actually best seen from point a.

enough for now--it's all happening, and we're missing it!

xoxo,

MPL

P.S. missing you, lou! hope it is sizzling in miami b/c we're swimming in rain water here. you deserve only the best!

when metro doesn't open doors...

2008-04-22T18:46:00.005-04:00

This is not my bus. No, that's the 38B bus--it runs from G'town over Key Bridge to Rosslyn in the evening. I know this because when I am waiting for the D5 to go home after work, the 38B comes by every 5 freakin' minutes. The Little Blue Bus, which also goes over Key Bridge to Rosslyn, comes every 10 minutes in the evening. The D5? Oh, Lordie--maybe every 20-30 minutes tops?? Yes, I am one of the lucky few who relies upon the D5; a rush-hour, one-way-only route, the D5 runs into town along MacArthur Blvd to M Street from 7 a.m. to 9. a.m, and runs outta town via M Street to MacArthur Blvd from 5:00-6:45 p.m. That's it folks--other than at those times, that bus does not exist. The D5 is a phantom. The following, which should speak for itself, is the 4th or 5th complaint I've written to the WMATA since I've lived in the Palisades (2 yrs 1 month).

Neither the 8:31 nor the 8:58 D5 ever came to 4474 MacArthur today, and I don't think the one scheduled before did, either. What happened?? The D5 is a rush-hour only bus; when the last two of the morning don't show up, people are stranded on their way to work. I had to take a $15 taxi, and I was quite late. It is unacceptable that the operator with whom I spoke at 8:51 a.m. could not give me any information on the where-abouts of our buses.

If the Lords of the Washington Metro write me back, I'll post their response.

On the up-side (I am a glass 1/2 full kinda gal, y'know), I got to spend about 40 minutes reading the Green Issue of Vanity Fair, in particular an article about the polar bears. Fantastic article, especially poignant on Earth Day. Also, on Sunday night Kurty and I watched Expedition Alaska and a few other great shows on Disco. I was feelin' earthy this week, especially as someone I knew is being returned to the earth. Figuratively, perhaps not literally.

Speaking of Earth Day, what do you do to help save the earth? I unplug my cell-phone charger when I'm not charging my phone. I turn off the water when I am brushing my teeth. I recycle as much as I can (not at work, ahem...). And I don't drive a car (as you can tell from the above D5 debacle). I do turn on a lot of lights in my apartment, but we get absolutely no natural light in this shit-box, nor is there a lot of light in my cubbie at work; I think I would kill myself without getting at least some brightness all around for a few hours a day. Sorry, Al Gore. You know I love you and live try to live by my motto What Would Al Gore Do? but I can't be perfect. No one can. And there are few people capable of changing all their ways. But each of us can pick a few little things to be conscious of--that could make a HUGE difference, right?

BTW, how sexy is Madonna? Damn...

xoxox,
MPL

bad news and bad weather

2008-04-21T20:35:00.003-04:00

i've had enough of both of those, so here's a good memory [or NOT] from a recent sunny day...

this week

2008-04-16T19:13:00.006-04:00

in:
the surprising sweet taste of lactaid milk
deadliest catch
the hokies
5 lb dumbbells
genmaicha
purging clutter
donating old clothes
using my iHome
guitar for dummies on black betty

out:
loud motorcycles whizzing by my apartment
heidi whats-her-name and spencer who-cares
smoking cigarettes
treats
cold, rainy, gray weekends
loud neighbors
guitar hero

neither in nor out, just fun:
the "smile" feature on my camera that automatically finds the mouth in the face of a photo and allows you to turn the lips up to varying degrees! i'm not kidding. so, photo a. is the regular shot; photo b is the altered. we call this series the Muppet-ization of me and kurty, with thanks to the sony cybershot...

a.

b.

a.

b.

a.

b.

i was saved by the pope

2008-04-15T13:42:00.003-04:00

yes, it is true. even a rabbi's daughter can be saved. this is how it happened:

7:45 a.m.: awakened by alarm on cell phone. sleepwalk to bathroom to turn it off.

7:55 a.m.: awakened by alarm on cell phone. sleepwalk to bathroom to turn it off, bring phone into bed.

8:00 a.m.: awakened by alarm on cell phone. must have turned it off.

8:22 a.m.: awakened by sheer luck.

8:22 - 8:36: jump out of bed. jump in the shower, rinse hair, put in anti-frizz, brush teeth, throw on some clothes. begin to accept the fact that i am going to miss the 8:31 bus and will have to walk to work or be 20 mins late.

8:36 a.m.: run out of my apartment to start the trek to work, but find the usual cast of characters waiting on the bus, which is unusually late.

8:58 a.m.: after a trip to dean & deluca for my cereal, yogurt, and red-eye, arrive at work to find the office locked and dark--i am not late!!

WHY? because thanks to the papal visit and the traffic nightmares it is causing, i was SAVED! saved from being late to work.

thanks, man...

Penny's Poste-Birthday Bash

2008-04-13T18:06:00.006-04:00

A mixed bag of wonderful friends came by Poste to wish me a belated happy birthday. There was the Red Headed Vixen, Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Rachel, several members of the former Cleveland Park Men's Club, Lou, her Publicist, Vonkie, the Actor, the Documentarian, Jonesie, Chase, and many other fun characters. The food was mostly good, the drinks were creative and delicious (they use a lot of fresh herbs and house-infused liquors), and I had a blast. There weren't many pictures taken, but here are a few of my favorites from the fantastic night--thank you, Dirty Birdy!!

So Lo'nely, So Lo'nely, So Lo'nely!

2008-04-10T19:10:00.006-04:00

Lo' (AKA Lou, Lori, and LCR) has been in the Bluegrass State for the past two days, most likely blazing the bourbon trail on horseback during the days while spending her nights in Cynthiana trying to figure out how to break into the 3-M factory (as the ONLY PLACE IN THE WORLD where Post-It Notes are manufactured, it's Lo's Mecca). She was only at work on Mon and Tues, for the love of Pete! (Who the F%^$ is Pete, anyway?)

Miss you, Lo/Lou/LCR...

This one's dedicated to the missing spark in our office:

Lonely, I'm so lonely
I feel so alone
I feel low
I feel so
Feel so low
I feel low, low
I feel low, low, low
I feel low, low, low
I feel low, low, low
I feel low, low, low
I feel low, low, low
Low, I feel low
I feel low
I feel low
I feel so lonely
I feel so lonely
I feel so lonely, lonely, lonely, lone
Lonely, lone
I feel so alone, yeah

couldn't have said it better myself...

2008-04-05T00:30:00.001-04:00

I am posting these little gems just to hold over my millions of readers until I post the masterpiece I've been creating over the course of many nights.... :) Enjoy...

(Jimmy=Jimmy Kimmel)

This next one, from T'Shirt Hell's latest newsletter, is as long as the previous is short, but worth the read...

Have you heard? The situation in Iraq has stabilized. Peace is sweeping across the Middle East and our soldiers will be coming home any day now. Also, the economy has completely recovered and gas prices are way down. APRIL FOOLS'! Life still sucks and we'll be stuck in Iraq for another ten years. Isn't that hilarious?

Speaking of the wa- I mean the colossal success in Iraq, we reached yet another milestone this past week when American soldier #4000 was killed in action. But don't you lose any sleep over that. With the economy in the shape that it's in, we'll have a nearly inexhaustible amount of poor people perpetually looking to enlist. And the war has helped cripple the economy, so as you can see, this is all part of God's (George W. Bush's) perfect/hilarious cycle.

In sports news, the NCAA tournament is down to the Final Four. Go Fightin' Who-gives-a-fucks!

In entertainment news, Britney Spears recently appeared on an episode of How I Met Your Mother. And I am beyond burnt out on Britney humor. Just go watch Leno.

Sen. John McCain on Tuesday tried to connect with voters on a personal level by visiting his high school and sharing memories of what he called some of his happiest years. He remembers staying up all night cramming for a chemistry test and proudly said he can still name all four elements.

In a major change, the American Heart Association said Monday that hands-only CPR -- rapid, deep presses on the victim's chest until help arrives -- works just as well as standard CPR for sudden cardiac arrest in adults. So, mouth-to-mouth is no longer necessary. This doesn't really have any effect on my life. I was always more of an ass-to-mouth girl anyway.

Until next time, g'night my loves....

Absinthe Makes the Heart....

2008-04-03T19:16:00.008-04:00

Once Upon a Time....the Cool Kid (photo near end) and my honey bunny met me after work for a lovely dinner at Pizzeria Paradiso. After good eats and a Three Philosophers, I was ready to take the big, digestive walk up the hill to our home. As we approached the infamous Dixie Liquor, we saw a chalkboard announcing that an Absinthe tasting a few days later. Well! My honey bunny is pretty obsessed with absinthe, so to hell with waiting a few days--we stopped in right away! Lo and behold they already had a coupla bottles of Lucid in stock, so we came home with one of them. Mmmm, within no time I was seeing little green fairies and swinging from a trapeze in the Moulin Rouge. OK, not really, but we do love us some Absinthe. Give it a try sometime...but don't mix with prescription meds or heavy machinery.

Pour 4 ounces over a cube of sugar (preferably sugar-in-the-raw, but if you're not as classy as Mr Fancy Pants, then regular sugar cubes will do) into a glass with a cube of ice. Then add equal parts of quality H2O. Then blog about your experiences....

So, here are some pics from Easter (my first in 30+ yrs.). I am so effing lucky to
have the best in-laws EVER.
xoxox,

MPL

laura bush loves my boyfriend

2008-03-31T20:27:00.004-04:00

i need not say more, except "bring it on, sister!! don't think i won't kick your ass..."

Another Great Show You're Not Watching....

2008-03-27T19:40:00.007-04:00

'ello, loves! so, last thursday i found myself home alone, couching for the 5th night in a row. well, thank the gods i'm embracing being more of a homebody (AKA, i'm a loser with no friends), b/c i happened upon the first 2 episodes of this really great new sitcom, miss guided. i didn't know at the time that it is produced by ashton kucher, but he did guest star in 1 of the episodes. it is a really, really cute show!! it stars judy greer, who you know from arrested development (LOVE), what women want (the parts i [unfortunately] saw were stooopid, but she was cute and memorable), the wedding planner (never really saw), 13 going on 30 (unabashedly love), etc. judy greer is fantastic--mark my words, this chick is going far. she plays becky, a high school guidance counselor whom, it seems, graduated from this high school, as did smarmy vice principal, bruce, perfectly performed by snl alum, chris parnell. greer really puts herself out there as becky by showcasing her real-life awkward teen photos in the opening of the show and through-out episodes as needed. i really enjoy her relationships with the students and the teachers at the school, and her interspersed commentary. oh, here's the imdb description: A single-camera comedy centered on a woman (Greer) who returns to her high school alma mater to become a guidance counselor. much better than my lame-o description! brooke burke plays lisa, one of the teachers, who is the prom queen to greer's frizzy-haired brace-face. 'member the principal's secretary in ferris beuller's day off? she is in the show, too. OMG, tonight's ep has a whole BREAKFAST CLUB MONTAGE! is there anything better?? oh, there is--a whole breakfast club theme. love this show.

btw, judy greer was on letterman last night sporting the longest, most gorgeous red hair (NOT the pic over there). either she got extensions, or this show was filmed prior to the writer's strike (thank gods that hot mess is over). anyway, 2 new eps are on right now, so see ya...

isn't it ironic

2008-03-20T19:50:00.007-04:00

so, hot little mama, lou, and i were having dinner (hot little mama got wasted, it was embarrassing!). anyway, who walks in, but ben affleck, jennifer garner, and their kid, violet?! they are in town b/c he is filming state of play with robin wright-penn (when will she drop the penn?), jason bateman (!!!), russell crowe, and rachel mcadams. see this old post, and this one--i take it all back! the afflecks can move here anytime, and violet is a beautiful name! it was so cool! they are so effing NORMAL--no bodyguards, no fanfare, just a young family kickin' it in georgetown for dinner. puffer jackets, jeans, sneaks, and a stroller. so, where did we have dinner? that's the irony:

so, ben is really thin. he looks young. and jennifer is just adorable. and i just realized--jen and jason played husband and wife in juno! so, i wonder if jen hangs out with jason's wife? maybe they need a babysitter?! wow, there's some cool peeps in town! NOW i know what kb is doing on her day off...she's stalking celebs!

xoxox for now...

MPL

oh, and p.s. in the alanis morissette song ironic, not one of the things about which she laments is actually ironic; they're more, like, just really bad luck.

The Best Show You're Not Watching...

2008-03-17T21:39:00.011-04:00

I am a huge fan of The New Adventures of Old Christine. On a night when there is very, very little of any substance on TV, this show is a shining star. Even when I wasn't always the hugest fan of Seinfeld, I was always a fan of Julia Louis-Dreyfus'. I loved her first foray back into sitcom after Seinfeld, Watching Ellie; I knew it wouldn't make it...it was just too good.

I am afraid for Old Christine, too! Even though JLD won an Emmy for her role and the show is highly regarded, nothing can save a program except advertising dollars, which come from ratings. So, all you people with a Nielsen box, start watching!

Speaking of Nielsen boxes, remember that episode of All-American Girl, Margaret Cho's first sitcom? Her family was selected to have a Nielsen box, and they never left the couch--they felt so much pressure to keep shows alive. It was hilarious. Speaking of Margaret Cho, luh-her! She was on Chelsea Handler last night (luh-her, too!), and it turns out that Margaret will be in DC on APRIL 10th!! I've seen her twice before, and she is fantastic! And now she finally has an all-new show. So, who wants to go??

P.S. A dingo ate your baby...

UPDATE! 9:18 p.m.: My friend Iwonka says she's stopping by for a glass of wine and a cigarette. She says she must leave by 10:30. Whom amongst us is brave enough to place a wager on when she'll leave? Midnight? Eleven? I shall let you know, young grasshoppers!

Sometimes I like the feeling of sand in my hair...

2008-03-12T18:45:00.010-04:00

(Updated 3/13)
As usual, I turned on the TV right when I walked in the door after work; but not as usual, I decided to watch Katie Couric and the CBS Evening News instead of TMZ. Wow. Now I am depressed. Who knew that bread prices are up 17%? Americans spend $3 billion on bread each year--this is huge! Demand for wheat is up, droughts keep production down, fuel prices are hiking up the costs even more! I mean a box of spaghetti is, like, 30 cents more than it was last year. American families are feeling the pressure on their wallets. (So much for low carbs!) Oh, and fuel is at an all time high! I used to buy my gas for 99 cents at the Citgo (now a Hess or something) on the corner of Fairfax Drive and Wilson Blvd. That was 1998--not THAT long ago. Now it is $3.53. I mean, come on! That's a HUGE difference in less than 10 yrs! And people just sit in their cars wasting gas. The bus ain't SO bad, folks (it provides me with great stories). Oy...and then we start hearing about the war...12 soldiers dead in 3 days--the deadliest it's been in a while. I am riveted, but I am sad. Very sad.

And there's this headline, which just RUINED. MY. LIFE:

Oral Sex And Pot Linked To Cancer

WTF??!! The gods are punishing us. (Or, as my friend, LB, said: "At least we'll die happy!" No wonder I've kept her around for 26 years!)

Voila, a story about Shea Megale, a 12 year old girl who wrote a children's book about her assistance dog. She is darling, and the book is so cute. Check out her website.

Thanks, Katie Couric, for ending on a high note so I can go back to keeping my head in the sand.

xoxo,
MPL

To err is human. To loaf is Parisian.

2008-03-10T19:06:00.014-04:00

I'm sorry...Paris Hilton just gets more and more ridiculous every day. So, y'know how she is dating Nicole Richie's baby-daddy's twin bro? (Ya still with me?) Well, that alone is creepy enough, but that's not all. Paris is constantly wearing the brothers' new clothing line (more on that later)--the hoodie, the ring, the necklace, blah, blah, blah--so she is basically just a whore. Maybe he hired her as a spokesmodel and they're not really dating--you heard it here first! Anyway, at his birthday party over the weekend in (where else?) Vegas, she got a GINOURMOUS cake that read "Happy Birthday, Benji. LOVE, PARIS!" Oh, snap, she basically just made IT. ALL. ABOUT. PARIS. The cake couldn't have just said "Happy Birthday, Benji." Nah! She needed everyone to know that they are an item and that the cake was from her (how could it not be--it was the tackiest thing in the room). Ew. You can have him, "The P that's Not Me," I'll take the Paris Latsis' and the Stavros Niarchos' of the world!

So, the thing about the new clothing line. KB forwarded an email last week that was announcing the new line from the Madden Brothers. According to either Dumb or Dumber, they named it DCMA to honor their DC and Maryland heritage. Um, hi! MA is MASS-A-CHU-SETTS; MD is MAR-Y-LAND, and growing up in Waldorf, MARYLAND, is NOT growing up in DC. Sorry, boys; same as the Baltimorons, y'aren't from DC. One more thing, DCMA also stands for the Defense Contract Management Agency. Ya don't want that to be the first thing that comes up when someone Googles your clothing line. If only they'd known that Maryland is MD, the first thing that woulda come up when one Googled their line is a company offering independent financial solutions for vehicle management. Woot!

My coworkers and I saw Paris twice during this last trip to Vegas. Just as she did in August, she walked by our booth on the way to and from the Dollhouse booth; they produce "her" denim line, so she graces them with her presence for 2 hours, texting constantly while checking her reflection in the mirror, occasionally acknowledging the buyers who expect her to know at least SOMETHING about the new line. The photo there is of her at the August tradeshow looking mizzerable. Let's say it in French, shall we: mizz-air-ah-bluh! Love it! KG, LG, and I have far too much fun to ever look like that at the show!! By the way, I Googled Paris' denim line so I could have good Webiquette and link to it, but all roads led to NO WHERE! HA! It isn't even for sale at Kitson anymore. Ha ha ha ha. How cute.

Oh, when she walked by our booth on her way into "work" this time, she was on her cell, pretending, I'm sure, to talk to someone just so she looked busy. The second time she walked by, on her way out of the gig and on her way to making an ARSE outta herself at LAX, she looked right at me. From a foot away. I looked right in her dilated pupils and said "Hey, Bitches." Ha! Anyway, a friend of mine and Kurt's was there at the Luxor when it all went down...until I get him to transpose his recollection of that night's events, I'll just say that she pulled another one of those drunken 3 minute mumblings on the mic--where the F*&# is her publicist?? That was the 2nd time in a week that she made ass outta herself by grabbin' the mic at a club when she was WASTED. Either the girl knows how to look hot even when she is wasted or these are before she had a few bumps in the loo-- you decide.

BTW, All this blogging and Facebooking is making my nails HAWT! They're growin' like Mother Fuckahs. ;) Wow, as I get older, and I am getting older, I am starting to notice how my hands look so much like my Grandma's. Grandma Martha. She and I were soul mates. For good and for bad, I inherited a lot of G'ma Martha's "stuff." The physical resemblances are found in my hands, the "eleven" between my eyes, my height, and my curly locks; the emotional similarities...well, that's another post, another time...

xoxo,
MPL

Grease Lightening!

2008-03-09T20:21:00.003-04:00

I remember seeing Grease in the theatre on opening night. It was mid-June and I had just turned 7. My dad, brother, and I sat close to the front row near the middle of the aisle; I was riveted from the opening scene. It was amazing. I bought the soundtrack (a double LP) and for years after would play out scenes from the movie in my bedroom. Sometimes I would put on a black leotard, pull the shoulders down to mid-biceps, and shove stuffed animals in my chest to make boobs, emulating Sandy's outfit at the fun-house.

I had an invitation from KB on Facebook to take a quiz on Grease. This quiz was tough, and I was sure I had gotten several wrong. Lo & behold, I got 100%! That was my proudest moment of the week.
The show "quarterlife" is a-ma-zing. I was crushed to hear that it was already cancelled. It is such a sad world when "Survivor" lasts 20 seasons, but a show as intelligent and groundbreaking as "quarterlife" can't make it a whole season. I can't even begin the describe this show, you just have to see it and read about it. Follow the link to the Web site.

xoxo,
MPL