Denial...

Several weeks ago a customer asked me:

"Why can't I find tapered jeans anywhere?"

It took every ounce of my being to not reply:

"Because they are hideous and it isn't 1985!"

Even though she was the most unfashionable woman ever, I am now forced to bite my tongue (which is something I hate to do) because today at work I heard a terrible, terrible rumor, which was then confirmed after coming home and checking my e-mail.




Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!

Brace yourselves:

"Skinny jeans" are coming back.

So, I am calling for all bloggers, boys and girls alike, to BOYCOTT THE SKINNY JEAN! I don't care if Nicole, Jennifer, Charlize, Jake, Lindsay, Heath, or even Miss Kate sport the denim, or if Lucky, Seven, Paper Denim & Cloth, or True Religion makes them (I refuse to believe that my store would dare), JUST. DON'T. DO. IT! If this ugly and, more importantly, unflattering, "style" doesn't sell, it won't last! If we don't join forces and nip this (God-forbid) trend in the bud, we will be freaking pegging our flared jeans before we know it. Please, God, help us!

Maybe Not So Smart (Part One)

Preface to this post:

My sister is almost 11 years my junior, but she was well worth the wait. We have 3 brothers, all of whom are older than me so, obviously, much older than she; therefore, you can understand how delighted I was at the unexpected arrival of a girl-baby after years of noogies, quarterback sacks on hardwood floors, exclusion from goings-on in the attic, and incessant teasing. Anyway, that's the ode to my sis, the rest is the real post...

Several years ago, my sister bought me Gap Body underoos. (Sorry, but I can't bring myself to use/say the word panties--I guess it is just one of those Miss Penny Lane things!) The 'roos are of the "day of the week" variety, but as opposed to having the actual days of the week printed on them (a la When Harry Met Sally), these have encouraging statements. Examples of which are:

I am beautiful
I am creative
I am inspirational
I am funny
I am (Oye...why can't I remember and/or find this one? Perhaps there were always just 6 pair, again a la When Harry Met Sally!)

This is the thing... About five times (probably more), I have discovered half. way. through. the. day! that the red-with-purple-trim pair of 'roos are on inside out!! I, otherwise, have never found that I've put my underoos on inside out.

The red-with-purple trim pair says:

I am smart.

Apparently not so much...

Ya Might Wanna Put Your Glove Over Your Face...

Dick Cheney is throwing the first pitch at the Nationals' home opener. I really, really hope that whomever catches (Wiki or Schneider) is prepared to have his face fucked up!! Good luck with that, fellas.

A Couple o' Petty Things

For some reason (most likely the fact that my mother is an English professor) the misuse of these words ridiculously irks me, so I'll just put these out there:

There is no such word as irregardless. Regardless, yes. Irregardless, no.

You're means YOU ARE, as in You're the hottest bitch in this bar.

Your refers to something that belongs to someone, as in your car, your apartment, your bitch is flirting with that guy at the bar.

That's all I have to say about that...

Hooked On Bravo and Other Reality Crap...

Let’s talk about Dr. 90210. Ew! After watching some of these surgeries, I can’t believe I ever let myself go voluntarily under the knife. I had a breast reduction when I was 23, when none of these makeover shows were anywhere to be found (if they had been, who knows if I woulda let myself be a subject…I was 23, so maybe, but if it were now, NO). I needed my surgery for non-cosmetic reasons, and I am so glad I did it, but I don’t think I would ever go under the knife voluntarily again. The episode I watched today was an old one, but I am catching up on all the shows now that we have cable (yea!).

OK…I am turning 35 in a couple of days (holy hell), and I can’t believe that this woman is my age. She looks like a 48-year-old plastic surgery junkie, not a 35-year-old plastic surgery junkie. She’d look so much more her (our) age if she’d never had anything done. Then there were these two sisters, one fat one thin. The large, older sister seemed, at 24, to have given up all hope that she would lose weight naturally, even though she had been thinner only five years before, and went right for the lipo on her chin and stomach (she should’ve gone for the arms while she was at it). Anyway… the 17 year old said “I really like my new boobs. They’re cute.” Girl—they are HUGE! And you are just 17! Who are these parents? Who are these doctors?

Anyway, I am so into the cable reality shows: Blow Out, Real Housewives of Orange County, Top Chef, The Next Food Network Star, Project Runway (although over and decided, but brings me to Project Jay).

Is there a 12-Step program for me????

By the way, how does the new law in DC affect me? Aren’t most of the places I smoke already bars or nightclubs, or places where I sit at the bar and smoke? I am sure Rock Creek Rambler and AUA know…